I feel stupid.  I've been spending so much time at the gym, writing my own books, taking my own college exams, choosing my own food carefully, and fretting over my hair. I could have spent all that time goofing off and gotten better results.

And I'm really pissed off about the effort I've wasted on measuring and improving marketing ROI. For seven years now, I've been working on improving marketing ROI all day every day; working with hundreds of marketing, finance, and sales managers in dozens of companies; overcoming obstacles of technical, structural, cultural, and political dimensions; making slow and steady progress.

NOW I discover that, had I just purchased the right software, I could have achieved much more with virtually NO effort. If my clients ever find out, I'm screwed.

On the whole, I think this magic ROI elixir software is really a good thing. It will:

So forget all that phooey about aligning on metrics, implementing smart experiments, and methodically improving analytics. Don't waste time on smarter marketing research. Just cut the shrink wrap on the software box, hit "install," and off you go.

Then wait for the Easter Bunny to deliver your bonus check.

Hyperbole is a dangerous tool in the hands of marketers -- particularly when it comes to measuring marketing ROI. It undermines our credibility with the more serious financial types who often are key influencers on how much we get in the way of resources and what we can do with it. It reinforces their perceptions of marketers as wild-eyed optimists willing to try anything new to deflect the gravity of the questions being asked. Besides, if there WERE a magic marketing ROI software, do you really think your progressively minded organization would be among the very first to find it?

Bad news. There is still no substitute for diligent, disciplined work when it comes to measuring the payback on marketing. Technology enables, but vision and persistence win every time. Show me a company with the will to work at it, and I'll show you the company that will get clear insights into their ROI long before the software buyers ever realize they've been misled.

Measuring and improving ROI is much more like going to the gym every day; watching what you eat; taking classes to earn a degree; and (take it from one who's done it) writing a book yourself. Persistent, methodical effort is rewarded with great benefits.

So let's get after those spending love handles and the marketing muffin top.