• by George Simpson , Featured Contributor, March 12, 2004

There is finally some good news coming out of the CIA. No, they haven't found Osama or the long-promised weapons of mass destruction (although it is becoming clear that Iraq is nothing BUT one giant weapon of its own mass destruction).

Not to start a stampede of start-up tech entrepreneurs, but in what could be the best-kept (perhaps only-kept) secret at the CIA, since 1999 the agency has been pumping venture capital money into the technology market through a front company called In-Q-Tel. In-Q-Tel invests about $35 million a year in young companies creating technology that might improve the ability of the United States to spy on its various enemies.

The rush to alter PowerPoints to emphasize the "national security" application of new ventures is on:

"Our revolutionary local search function can track those who click on text ads for AK-47s or Stingers, for example."

"Imagine, an entire community of terrorists linked together by their common interest in bringing down the Great Satan? You could pose as a French arms merchant, and when.."

"By tracking the navigational behavior of users, we can send an email to people who read lots of stories about terrorists, asking them to register for a free trip to Guantanamo Bay."

"In our registration software, we can ask people to check off a box if they ever blew up an embassy or took flying lessons."

"We have the highest audience composition of people from the Middle East of any network or other site. A well-placed ad, WITH the proper creative, can help capture the hearts and minds of these users and assure their loyalty to Truth, Beauty, and The American Way."

"We know you already have sophisticated technology to track terrorists on their cell phones... what if you could send them a text message offering a free cup of coffee the next time they pass a Starbucks? When they come in, you can drop a burlap bag over them."

"We cross-match our offline database of home addresses with online users who click on our Join the Jihad pop-up video."

"You could start this blog on how to blow up ships without blowing up yourself and your buddies, see--then using our unique RSS browser tool we can."

When you really screw up at the CIA--like forgetting where the dead drop was, or showing girls in a bar your Glock, or not remembering to clip the red wire, NOT the blue one--you are assigned to listen to new business presentations at In-Q-Tel. Your mission, should you decide to accept it (and if you are caught, the secretary will disavow) is to understand the ROI on the agency's first-round investments. Since the Department of Defense has set a pretty low bar with those $1800 toilet seats and those multibillion-dollar arms programs for stuff that doesn't work anyway (read: Osprey), it might not be all that difficult to justify throwing CIA money at--well, just about anything.

In order to submit your technology for early-round financing, please download form 007CIA826534087517u474hd87hdn-71j77t90n-47n-q8vn @ CIA.com.