“This is the age of taking action," says the announcer in
the Viagra commercialI caught on TV this week.
And really, is there
anything more awkward and poignant, more can’t-win-for-losing, than showing these winky male actor-types preparing for a little “action” in a Viagra ad? Think about it: We live in
the most hypersexualized, pornified culture that has ever existed. And yet, presumably due to government restrictions, these ads have to dance around the sex act while being aggressively unsexy.
As with all pharmaceutical ads that offer a brand name, the main thing is to come up with a series of extended images over which to voice disclaimers. In this case, we hear about possible
“headaches, flushing, upset stomach and abnormal vision.” (Wait, is that why the entire spot has a blue tinge?)
All this is in preparation for dropping the other shoe -- or in this
case, the big lead boot of priapic shame. It’s the phrase that has gone from terrorizing unsuspecting children (and their parents) while watching TV, to becoming part of the vernacular, and a
massive comedic mainstay: “See your doctor if your erection lasts more than 4 hours.”
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So when I saw this spot, about a sailor and his boat, it seemed a lot more poetic and open to
interpretation than the usual crop, featuring middle-aged couples exchanging goo-goo eyes while dancing in their kitchen. That sort of goony stuff reduces me to the zero tolerance level of an
11-year-old, utterly repulsed by the idea of having to think about anyone’s parents “doing it.”
But that’s the thing about our paradoxical, hypocritical sexual culture.
Having to make these spots so odd and prim, while at the same time offering such intrusive clinical language, creates a veritable “Where’s Waldo” of repressed sexual content, rife
with hidden meanings, double entendres, old-time dirty jokes, and bad puns.
So in this case, interpret we must.
We see a handsome, late-40s guy, a rugged individual on his boat,
looking worldly, and as if he knows how to “take action.” It seems he is having a little trouble, um, raising his sail, so he goes down below to the hold, and fashions a strap-on (he rips
a nylon strap from the life jacket) to manipulate the block back up to the boom. Yup, he whips that thing right back into shape! And he does this all on his own, without a first mate!
Still, that’s nothing compared with the biggest parallel-universe image that has come to be accepted as perfectly normal in the bizarre world of ED ads. That honor goes to the separate,
side-by-side outdoor tubs of the Cialis brand. As has happened nowhere, each of these antique tubs has been dragged to a cliff overlooking the ocean, and somehow has a naked half of the couple in
it. (I hope all 50-plus women who travel with their boyfriends start demanding “separate tubs!”)
And yet, these ads have actually come a long way, (baby). Nothing will ever
be quite as cringe-worthy as a barking Mike Ditka ordering men to "take the Levitra challenge." (Historians, take note: This was when the act of swallowing a pill officially become a challenge.) Even
worse, once the actor guy in the spot did just that, in direct problem/solution form, he was shown being able to throw a football through a backyard tire. (Swish!) I thought it was pretty outrageous
to represent women’s private parts as old rubber tires hanging by a string, but I guess actual goalposts would have presented too much performance anxiety.
Actually, when I first saw the
Viagra sailor, it reminded me of the classic Old Spice commercial from the 1960s, showing a sailor coming into port, carrying a duffel bag.(Fun fact: The actor who played this manly sailor who
bags women was Matthew Perry’s dad.) A sweet, sexy lass in sexy-lass clothing awaited his arrival on the dock and off they'd go, but not without throwing a bottle of Old Spice as a sort of bone
over to the creepy loner dude watching and wondering how it's done. Jaunty nautical music up, over and out.
These days, Old Spice has brilliantly come full circle, using all the old nautical
notes while turning every earnest, manly cliché on its head.
The same can be said for “The Most Interesting Man in the World,” the star of the Dos Equis campaign, which
offers a hilariously sarcastic and skewered take on the massive world-mastery and outsized virility of Hemingway and James Bond-types: “Sharks have a week dedicated to him. . . . He once had an
awkward moment, just to see how it feels."
Unfortunately, there’s no distancing and humorous take on the whole idea of masculinity allowed for the heroes of ED-land. They must be
earnest and cliched, and forever sentenced to having majorly awkward moments.
The odd part about our Viagra sailor/hero is that the action he took on the boat had nothing to do with a
relationship with another human being, but with fixing mechanical parts: doing a work-around to get them, well, in ship-shape. Also odd: the placid waters.
Thus, he is not able to recount the
famous George Costanza line by way of Hemingway: “The sea was angry that day, my friends, like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli!"
Thus he is able to, uh, dock his boat
neatly in the slip. By this time, it’s dark out, and he leaves the port, and walks until he comes upon a welcoming house with the lights on.
What or who awaits him is left open to
interpretation, which is actually kind of nice.
All I hope is that it’s not a rubber tire swing out in the backyard.