• by George Simpson , Featured Contributor, February 7, 2005

"This first meeting of the Alliance for American Advertising will come to order. Let's begin with everyone telling the group where they're from."

"Hi, General Mills Inc., here. We're the home of Bugles, Häagen-Dazs, Trix, Hamburger Helper, and Lucky Charms."

"Well a very good morning to you all. I'm from Kraft Foods Inc. We make Kool-Aid, Kool-Aid Slushies, Lunchables, Cheez Whiz, Alpha-Bits, Frosted Shredded Wheat, Honeycomb, Chips Ahoy!, Oreo, and Teddy Grahams. Plus a bunch of other junk named after cartoon characters."

"Hi, hi, hi! Kellogg Co. reporting for duty. Our fabulous brands include Apple Jacks, Froot Loops, and Pop-Tarts."

"American Association of Advertising Agencies here. Can we talk first about commissions..."

"No, stop that! You know we are here to defend the right to advertise to kids."

"Howdy, I'm with the Association of National Advertisers. If anyone wants free tickets to Advertising Week 2005, let me know after the meeting."

"Hey there -- paper or plastic? Ha, ha, a little industry humor... I'm with the Grocery Manufacturers of America."

"Hey y'all, it's the American Advertising Federation here."

"OK then. Where do we start? Anybody have any ideas?"

"I kind of like the direction McDonald's is taking... blame it all on kids who don't make an 'informed' decision about their diets. Just because you are six and fixated on the Kid's Meal toys and the playground doesn't mean you can't order a salad."

"At Kellogg, we adopted new internal marketing guidelines to emphasize portion control, nutrition, and exercise in our advertising. So, we think we ought to blame fat kids for eating too much and sitting on their little behinds instead of playing capture the flag."

"I think you guys are overreacting. Congress approved a measly $1 million for the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention to sponsor a study of the effects of food marketing on the diets and health of children. We spent more on jet fuel to fly customers to the Masters. As an industry, we spend in the neighborhood of $10 billion to $12 billion a year. Let's use our clout to get the media we spend with to back off or at least dumb down coverage of any CDC report. It worked for the tobacco industry for 20 years."

"Good point. We could also offer 'honoraria' to bloggers and lowly paid journalists to align with our position that 'There is not a correlation between advertising trends and recent childhood obesity trends.'"

"I like that viral marketing approach. We could hire Dan Brooks and Lee Ford to do a commercial that shows kids ignoring product labels and the Feds own food pyramid and playing video games while they grow fatter and fatter until they literally explode. We can then point a few old-timers to it and disclaim that it came from the industry. I promise the coverage will be huge."

"Great ideas! I think we are off to a good start. I think it's about lunchtime. Shall we order out Taco Bell? Burger King? Mickey-D's?"

"Uh, not for me... I'm on the South Beach diet."

"Me too."

"My kids and I are on Atkins."

"Oops, thanks anyway, in the midst of the Scarsdale diet."

"I'm on the New Mayo plan."

"Slim Fast, here."

"In the Zone, now."

"Jenny Craig... sorry, thanks anyway."

"I'm on Cabbage Soup only."

"I'll have something... but only a little bit. Just got my stomach stapled shut."