• by Bob Garfield , Featured Columnist, September 20, 2016

As the proprietor of this feature, I have only two responsibilities. One is typing. The other is opening email. Twice a year the latter yields the former -- and, sigh, it is never pretty.

Hello!

I wanted to pitch a couple products to you for inclusion in your next gift guide....

Or company, AcousticSheep, creates the world's most comfortable headphones for sleeping, exercising and everything in between!....Attached are talking points… Please let me know if you need anything else. I'd be happy to send some samples. Thanks for the opportunity!

Megan DeMarco, Marketing Manager

Hello!

In 39 years I've never done a gift guide. I don't write about consumer electronics. If I did I wouldn't take talking points from a flack. But thank you for the bribe offer! Because I love being treated like a prostitute! Yeah, baby, just like that. Mmm. Just like that.

Bob

New Book Could Have Helped PRINCE!-When It Comes to Wills, final Wishes, Finances etc, where do you start when a loved one passes-MY FAMILYT RECORD helps w easy steps to organize $$ before loss-Book copies & interviews available-see enclosed

For Immediate Release   

Contact: Risa Hoag, GMG PR, or, Vicki Garfinkel

Risa and Vicki,

I am so heartbroken. Prince is dead for no reason. This book My FamilyT Record Could Have Helped Prince, but instead here we are now picking up the pieces. For the love of God, why didn’t you get this to me sooner, so I could have told the whole world about My FamilyT RecordT?  Prince, may he rest in peace, was a regular reader of this column. His two favorite parts of MediaPost were Email Marketing Daily and my exhaustive personal finance coverage. And now he’s dead. Dead! Because of you. I hope you rot in hell. 

Cheers,

Bob

RMA, Parsons Back with New Book, Investing in Banks

The latest book from The Risk Management Association is now available.

Philadelphia, Pa (May 18, 2016) – The Risk Management Association is proud to partner once again with banking expert Rick Parsons on a book that banking practitioners and investors alike will find invaluable.

Media Contacts

Stephen Krasowski, Frank Devlin

Dear Stephen and Frank,

Parsons and the RMA – the best team ever (not counting Stephen and Frank. ) Sounds super, but if it’s all the same to you, I’ll wait for the movie. 

Also, unsubscribe.

Program Empowers Women in India to Run Businesses Making Sanitary Napkins

The Desai Foundation teaches local women in India how to make and sell sanitary napkins in their own communities. This program empowers Indian women and also provides lower cost napkins compared to the major brands available for sale there. The local women get to keep all the money and then teach other girls how to do it. Desai Foundation has 3 centers in India with 7 more planned to open. Desai Foundation director Megha Desai is available to discuss women’s issues in India as well as Indian women in the United States. 

Blair Fitzgibbon
President
Sound Speed PR

Dear Blair,

Have I been hacked? How else could you know about the email I got from Joe Mandese, my editor? (“Bob – Look, enough with the media and marketing claptrap. Give me some insight into the South Asian sanitary-napkin-empowerment sector or you’re skating on thin ice.”)  I am sending this thread to the FBI.

Hi Bob,

Just a quick note to see if you're working on any segments around Malia Obama's Gap year. If so, Sheila Akbar, Director of Education of NYC-based Signet Education, a college prep/tutoring company, is happy to provide tips for a successful gap year or discuss benefits to taking a gap year, etc. She can provide info to support any ssegments that you're working on. 

Let me know if you'd like to chat with her!

Thanks,

Holly

Seven Hills Communications

Hi Holly, 

Just a quick note to tell you that Prince was basically murdered.

Thanks,

Bob

Release: Signature Card Expands Digital Press Lineup

Hi Bob,

In case you missed it, Signature Card recently announced that it has added an HP Indigo 7800 digital press to its lineup of printing equipment. Designed to meet the most demanding production volumes, the 7800’s One Shot Color technology prints on synthetics, plastic cards and lenticular applications. The new ElectroInk Fluorescent Pink, Invisible Red and Digital Matte inks will add even more effects for distinctive customization of Signature Card's products, affirming the company's commitment to delivering clients top custom card solutions using high-quality print processes.

Please see attached press release for additional reference. Interviews with Bill Hunter, president of Signature Card, are available upon request.

Regards,

Mike Fossano

Hi Mike, 

In case you missed it, my teenager broke up with her boyfriend, who took it kind of hard and moped around for weeks and then started saying mean things. Also, my back has been acting up and it looks like I need to replace the transformer on the pendant light over my kitchen counter.  

More information available upon request.

Regards,

Bob Garfield