Made up Statistics

It’s time for my annual made-up-statistics column, bringing together the best guesses of some of my compatriots, all in an effort to answer the question: “What if research studies weren’t all sponsored by sales departments?”

Why do viewers click?

  • 24%: Mistakenly had finger on the mouse button a little too hard
  • 4%: Little brother dared them
  • 6%: Work for competitor
  • 3%: Work for ad agency
  • 7%: Work for site
  • 2%: Viewer is a monkey
  • 54%: Interested in product

    Whatever happened to all the Internet hipsters?

  • 22%: Got married
  • 27%: Got promoted, feels awkward being hip while managing small staff
  • 12%: Law school
  • 4%: Created new internet think tank (in mother’s basement)
  • 4%: Created new VC firm (in mother’s basement)
  • 21%: Moved into print and outdoor
  • 10%: Still there (in mother’s basement)

    Reasons Why People Attend Local Interactive Group Party

  • 8%: Recruit talent
  • 0%: Enjoy provided food
  • 31%: Sell self to first willing employer
  • 34%: Sell product
  • 17%: Get out of office early
  • 10%: Hobnob



    Where do “opt-in” email list email addresses come from?

  • 24%: Culling emails indiscriminately from Web sites
  • 12%: Adding people onto list after believing they were opting for some other service or product
  • 51%: Purchasing lists from fly-by-night outfits, methodology unknown
  • 4%: Employing large computer banks staffed by monkeys typing random addresses
  • 1%: Little brothers vengefully opting in siblings
  • 8%: Real people actually opting in because they want to see daily messages about discount engine parts available from Szechwan Province

    Reasons Major TV Advertisers Spent Most of Their Money on TV

  • 3%: They can’t read
  • 9%: They think it provides cheap reach
  • 40%: They believe it will better help their career
  • 23%: They believe TV creatives are more fun
  • 12%: Nobody ever won an Emmy for a banner
  • 3%: They’re actually monkeys
  • Next story loading loading..