• by George Simpson , Featured Contributor, November 12, 2020

For the past week, The Donald has done something we have waited four years for him to do: nothing. A normal person would have conceded, helped with the transition and saved himself and his party an extended period of humiliation. But just because he is out on the golf course rather than fixing the COVID crisis doesn’t mean he is a not a busy little bee. Here are snippets of cell phone calls overheard by his caddy:

Himself: ”Hey, it’s Don, the President….What?...of the United States, you moron. Have you finished my resume yet?  Listen, there are some things I think we can leave out — like Trump Steaks, Trump Airlines, Trump Vodka, Trump University, The New Jersey Generals and the Tour de Trump. Yeah, and under commander-in-chief, leave out the part about North Korea and Iran having more nuclear weapons than before I was President, and that I failed to confront my buddy Vladimir about the bounty payments to kill our troops….Let me see a draft before TV time?” 

Himself: ”What do you mean, you don’t need an ex-President on your board?  I have made billions, literally billions of dollars……What $450 million debt?  That’s just a rounding error. Just look at what my properties have done since I’ve been in the White House…What? How will it be different? Don’t worry, I am embedding my people so I can disrupt sleepy Joe and assure we have access to government contracts….”

Himself: ”And why are you calling me? Isn’t that YOUR job? I pay you to find evidence of voter fraud, not to complain that ‘oh, Don, it’s really hard’…If you can’t find something really big, we can do what we have always done -- just make it up. Well, hard to say, but at least 70 million will drink that Kool-Aid…”

Himself: ”LookAnthony, I told you never to call me again.…I don’t care….What? How many? Well it is what it is, right? It’s Joe’s problem now. Just make sure you get me the Pfizer stuff, I told Vlad, Xi and Kim I would take care of them….”

Himself: ”I really appreciate it, Anthony Pratt…you have been a great friend to the administration, but I just don’t see myself in recycling…nor custom-designed card board boxes….but I hope you keep up those full page ads…I love them!” 

Himself: ”26? I thought there were only 25 sexual harassment suits….Yeah, they got paid, but I don’t think I can afford to pay another one. I know, it was a pretty shitty thing to do, but someday they will tell their kids that they had sex with a President of the United States….a feather in anyone’s cap, don’t you think?”

Himself: ”Rudy, come on, you can tell me -- How was Maria Bakalova? She looks a lot like the girls Jeff, rest his soul, used to have at his townhouse….Come on, tell, tell….I tell you,don’t I?” 

Himself: ”What do you mean, I am not qualified? Did you see the top entry…the one under ‘President of the United States’? Don’t you think that makes me a pretty solid candidate?…What do you mean, I failed the written test?  You mean all that crap about: ‘If you wanted to bring your dog to work but one of your team members was allergic to dogs what would you do?’  What do you mean, firing the team member was not an option?”