• by Barbara Lippert , Columnist, September 19, 2024

Oh, reality gods, free us at last of deception and bamboozlement!

You may recall that last November, widower Gerry, the first ever Golden Bachelor, had us all falling for him with his golden hair and visage, kindness, understanding, and meaningful embrace of second love after “not being kissed in six years.”

Propelled by Gerry the “restaurateur,” not only did GB became a ratings bonanza for the slackening Bachelor franchise, but was also considered a pop cultural breakthrough for its positive portrayal of sexually active seniors.

So, Gerry kissed all the girls, and then kissed them some more, and ended up proposing to Theresa.

Then the couple took part in a quickie (but monster) ABC prime-time wedding special, selling everything network-and--Bachelor related, plus their undying love (hey, it’s possible!)

Then G&T went home to live separately, fight constantly and divorce within three months.

You can’t make this stuff up. Turns out that the “restaurateur” had once owned part of a Mr. Quick drive-in-hamburger franchise in 1985. He was also a serial seducer, who’d been in several live-in relationships, the first starting only one month after his wife’s death.

So it was with a firm no, never again, well, I’ll just check out the opener, when I tuned in to ABC to the premiere of the first ever “Golden Bachelorette.” Maybe it would make sense. since in “The Golden Bachelor,” Joan Vassos had been the only one of the “ladies” to stand up to  and leave the show of her own volition. (She said her post-partum daughter was having problems and needed her.)   She was memorable and seemed a good choice to become the Golden Bachelorette.

Of course, not a word was mentioned about the previous disaster in truthiness.

And now that the producers already had the format minted, they used all the same devices in the opening package. We see Joan dressing, in various cuts, along with her bachelors, one of whom affixes his hearing aids.

They almost dressed Gerry as an Emmy Award to make him look tip-to-toe golden, and they did the same with Joan, who looked like a goddess in a sparkly golden gown with a giant golden bow down the back. This was set off by her very long, golden blonde hair extensions, a look that came close to Real Housewife, golden version.

Will all female reality stars of the future merge into one filler-infused golden Barbie archetype?

Then, as with all first episodes of “The Bachelor” franchise (not the one in Paradise),  it was textbook order of events: intros, one-on-ones, first-impression rose, elimination round.

In her goldenness, Joan stood steadfast on the mansion driveway as the 24 bachelors made their entrances, some eschewing the black limo to use classic corny devices.

One golden mystery man from Austin, Texas, identified as a “rancher,” rode in on a horse. Something was going on with the horse. “I feel sorry for the horse,” said another Bachelor, as he watched the extremely thin, fashionable, tiny-suited rancher dismount, and the horse run away. The “rancher” sure didn’t emit the sweet, joyful Dad energy of many of the other contestants. Once off the horse, he freakishly invaded Joan’s space and seemed like an uneasy extra from a British WW I movie.  He got no rose.

Then Keith drove up in an old station wagon with some antique luggage on the roof, with the opening line “Like this sweet ride?”

Keith’s I.D. is “girl dad” (many of the men mentioned that they are close to their daughters, which was sweet) and Joan seemed quite taken by the 6’5” guy with the teddy bear warmth. She said he made her “feel safe,” as had her husband. In fact, Keith got “The First Impression Rose.”

The producers know how to play up all the feels. After the men were inside at cocktails, host Jesse Palmer rolled in a TV on a table (old-school, like teacher-substitute movie day)  and played a video (VHS?) for the crowd. The fathers were all surprised and in tears as their grown kids made appearances, sending individual messages of encouragement and love.

I will give the producers kudos for making progress with diversity.  The cliché for decades on “The Bachelor” had been to have one black contender in a sea of white people, and he or she would get eliminated quickly. 

By contrast, there’s a good mix of black men in the group, (along with a Latino and Asian guy -- although only one of each) and it looks as if Joan gets serious with some of them. Additionally, some of the adult kids in the video appeared with same-sex mates, which is also progress for American dads.

Still, I’m not sure the producers were in on the joke of making unsubtle man-metaphors throughout -- but it wasn’t a stretch when tens of balls were flying all over the driveway during a pick-up game of no-rules pickleball. It was wall-to-wall balls.

And then one of the 24 bachelors, an otherwise mild-mannered data analyst, went around inspecting all the doors and drawers, cabinets, etc. in the mansion’s massive kitchen. Finally, he found a freezer “full of meat!”  That was the most excited he got all night.

Can we trust this show?

By the end, after six Bachelors were sent home, in a preview of future episodes, Joan is shown busily diving, snorkeling, dancing with and kissing various contenders. And then the package was edited to dramatize her having a meltdown, crying, out of guilt, for betraying her deceased husband. One of the bachelors suggests she might not choose anyone.

Sometimes, starting a second love is tough just for this reason.

Clearly, some counseling is needed. So who do the producers bring in as an experienced friend to talk it over with Joan?

None other than Gerry, back from his barstools in Indiana -- the preacher of last resort.

It beggars belief. And I just might have to watch.