• by George Simpson , Featured Contributor, May 1, 2006

Royal Philips Electronics of the Netherlands is one of the world's biggest electronics companies, providing us with medical diagnostic imaging and patient monitoring devices, color television sets, electric shavers, and lighting--among other 21st century must-haves. Noting that consumers were skipping the ads on their (and everyone else's) TV sets, a group of Philips techno-geeks worked up a technology that could let broadcasters freeze a channel during a commercial pod, so that viewers wouldn't be able to change channels and avoid the ads. The technology would be imbedded in televisions or set-top-boxes.

Within about 30 seconds after Philips made a patent application with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office for this noxious idea, bloggers around the world set about cursing the company and calling for a boycott of its products. The hue and cry grew so loud that the company issued a "clarification" that flip-flopped on the potential use of the technology, pointing out that "we developed a system where the viewer can choose, at the beginning of a movie, to either watch the movie without ads, or watch the movie with ads. It is up to the viewer to take this decision, and up to the broadcaster to offer the various services."

The sound of broadcast and cable executives putting their wallets back in their pockets was deafening.

But you can be sure that we haven't seen the last idiotic idea to try and keep viewers from avoiding 20+ minutes of commercials per hour of prime-time content. Here are some already on the drawing board:

Those clamps that kept Malcolm McDowell's eyes open in "A Clockwork Orange," so he would be forced to watch violent film clips, were meant to condition him against future criminal acts. Watching nothing but gore, rape, bombings and beheadings sounds like a great night of guy TV. Save me a pair.

La-Z-Boys that snap clamps on your wrists the moment the ads start--but can be overridden by the "Goddamn It! I Have To Go Potty" emergency button activated by a kick to the left front chair leg. Picking your nose during "Desperate Housewives" also renders the wrist snaps ineffective.

People sensor. This set-top-box device can tell if everyone has beat it to the kitchen and no one is in the room during the commercial break (kinda like those thermal satellite images Chloe is always sending to Jack's handheld on "24"). It freezes the screen until somebody returns, then starts the spots. Can be defeated by not waking snoozing Mom to help make popcorn.

Volume booster. The nets want to make sure that even if you can't see their ads, you'll still hear them, so now, rather than enhancing their volume by the usual 15 percent over the content, they will boost it 250 percent--enough to be heard even if you sneak out on the deck for a smoke, or are having a cookout down by the pool. Can be countered by opening the door to your teenager's room.

Subliminal ads. Instead of waiting to bank six or eight spots into a pod, the nets will start flashing subliminal ad messages for hundredths of a second during programming. Viewers will be struck by a sudden urge to hammer their toenails to dislodge creatures living underneath, or to buy a $70,000 SUV. Will ultimately fail, since too many viewers are reading the paper or answering IMs to notice the flashes on their screens.

Net Nazis. Disguised in Prize Patrol Vans, teams of former elite commandos will cruise neighborhoods, randomly selecting homes where they will crash down the door and round up everyone in the house NOT watching when commercials come on. These commandos will threaten to harm the women and children unless the family agrees to start watching commercials and to encourage their neighbors to do likewise. Offenders are forced to wear CBS Eye armbands--and, if caught a second time, are deported to retirement communities in Florida where, there not being much else to do, they watch commercials. In between hurricane evacuations. David Poltrack claims victory.