• by George Simpson , Featured Contributor, August 14, 2006

Quiznos has launched a new online marketing division that takes full advantage of the interactivity of the Internet and the inclination of youths to use online more than any other medium. The new unit directly contacts prospective customers in chat rooms and other online forums, inviting them to visit a nearby train station--where, presumably, a company official takes them to the nearest Quiznos to sample the company's Classic Italian or Double BLT.

In a humorous turn of events, Scott Lippitt, the 47-year-old vice president of marketing of the new unit, was arrested by some apparently humorless Englewood, Colo. police mistaking an online outreach to a 13-year-old girl for at least five felonies, including criminal attempt at sexual assault on a child; enticement of a child; contributing to the delinquency of a minor; Internet luring; and Internet sexual exploitation of a child.

"All a big mistake," Lippitt might have told "Over the Line," after posting a $250,000 bond. "Clearly the police don't understand anything about fast food marketing. We have reams of data that confirm young teens are a key demographic for Turkey Ranch & Swiss and Mesquite Chicken with Bacon sandwiches, so naturally we make a special effort to engage them in casual conversation to get to know their likes and dislikes and build a bond of trust, so that eventually they will accept our invitation to sample our fine products.

"The constabulary clearly mistook my offering to teach her 'how to be a woman' as something sexual. Being a woman can mean a lot of things--such as ordering your own Signature Classic without having your Mom hovering, or deciding if the Real Deal Menu is right for you. I was simply encouraging the young lady to be mature," said Lippitt.

"Yeah, and I'm Perry Mason," said a Fremont County Court clerk. "A Canon City, Colo. Police Department officer posed as a 13-year-old girl and Mr. Lippitt asked the officer sexually explicit questions. I haven't read a Jack Trout book in a while, but it seems like he was more interested in selling her the periscope than the sub, if you get my drift."

"Nonsense," replied Lippitt. "Since our shrieking-spongemonkeys and wisecracking-Baby-Bob-character-with-the-body-of-an-infant-but-voice-of an adult-who-hit-on-adult-women campaigns crashed and burned, we have dialed-up our one-to-one online marketing. Everyone knows you have to engage with an indirect approach that eventually offers a subtitled marketing message. No teens would stay online with me if I just e-mailed them with cents-off coupons. I had to, you know, speak at their level. Other supposedly incriminating snippets of my e-mail conversation such as references to 'every toasty bite' and 'just the way you want it' and 'right in front of you' are integral parts of our brand message."

Unfortunately for Lippitt, no one else in his department had yet begun contacting teens online, giving the impression that he was acting on his own.

"Hey, it's August! Ever try to shop in Milan in August or get a suit dry-cleaned in Paris? Ain't happening. Everyone's on vaca," says Lippitt.

"He'll find out the meaning of vacation when we get done with him," said the nice lady in the clerk's office. "And where he's going, they give a whole new meaning to Honey Bacon Club."