• by George Simpson , Featured Contributor, February 2, 2007

Windows Vista Dialogue Window # 1

Insert the very fairly priced (for something utterly unnecessary except to save us from having to issue XP security patches for another 10 years) Vista Operating System install disc into your drive.

Windows Vista Dialogue Window # 2

WAIT, you got a fingerprint on the disc. Remove it and wipe off the shmutz. And stop eating éclairs for the duration of the installation (please).

Windows Vista Dialogue Window # 3

Stop clicking on RUN. It is self extracting. Just sit back and read an Onion article or a Dobrow magazine review.

Windows Vista Dialogue Window # 4

Cursing at the PC won't make it load Vista any faster. This is a big program, pal, and you just have to wait it out. How about a game of RuneScape while you're waiting?

Windows Vista Dialogue Window # 5

Jesus, how old is that rig? A little more RAM would help. Not to mention a bigger hard drive. A couple more JPEGs of Jenna Jameson and you're gonna be running in hip-deep mud.

Windows Vista Dialogue Window # 6

Holy Mary of God, how many tunes have you downloaded from LimeWire? I lost count at around 9,000. No wonder you don't have any hard drive left. Better hope someone doesn't drop a dime to the RIAA. That collection of porno sample mpegs ain't helping either. BTW, labeling them as C++, Java, and Fortran and hiding them in your system files so your wife and kids can't find them is a nice try, but see what happens when they open the library section of Windows Media Player and click on "last played." Lucy, you have some 'splaining to dooo.

Windows Vista Dialogue Window # 7

Don't get snippy with me, pal. I'm Microsoft. You'll be trying to run Word on Linux in about five minutes, if you don't back off.

Windows Vista Dialogue Window # 8

Okay, we're done. Vista is up and running. Everything cool?

Windows Vista Dialogue Window # 9

Really, your iPod won't sync anymore? That's very interesting. I will have to look into that just as soon as I help the other 150 million Windows users set up Vista. Have you seen our Zune product?

Windows Vista Dialogue Window # 10

I'm sorry your printer doesn't work either. We've only been working on this for about 5 zillion years and, like, YOUR printer company is the only one in the world without a Vista plug-in. Not my problem, sport.

Windows Vista Dialogue Window # 11

Same with your digital camera, your scanner, your external storage drives, your camcorder, your USB portable storage and MP3 player. Not my problemo. Tell those guys to get off their butts and upgrade their software downloads. We're the locomotive on this train. The peripherals will sit in the train yards until they play by our rules. Go ahead, dump your PC for an iMac. Welcome to 5 percent market penetration. (Besides ...we've already got your Vista money.)

Windows Vista Dialogue Window # 12

No, I can't help you find your '07 taxes file.... Yeah, I know it's not the same as XP (that's why we call it a "new" operating system), but the file system is pretty intuitive.

Windows Vista Dialogue Window # 13

Intuitive? It means you can figure it out on your own. One more question and you go into the Pay for Support queue.... Whoa, that was harsh, dude.... I'm outta here. Enjoy Vista.

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