• by George Simpson , Featured Contributor, January 13, 2004

Did USA Today correspondent Jack Kelley try to deceive his editors? Did Steve Florio step down as longtime CEO of Conde Nast because of health problems? Did AOL's Lisa Brown really cheat on her expense account?

Who cares?

Well, nearly everyone.

There is no finer or more widely played salon game in media and advertising than trying to decipher the coded wording in press releases that announce the departure of top company executives. (And there is no more tedious task than sitting in HR brainstorming sessions trying to figure out how to put a credible spin on canning a key executive.)

Has there ever in business history been a truthful press release about the real reason someone leaves a company? I doubt it. And even the truth often can't stand scrutiny. Think of all the angst that Conde Nast's spin doctors put into deciding that Florio would leave because of "health problems" only to have Mr. F. tell the WSJ, "That's just bullshit."

So much for PR strategy.

Wouldn't you just once want to read something like this:

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

ACME Advertising Gives EX VP John Doe the Heave-Ho

Downcast Exec Removed from HQ by Building Security Guards

NEW YORK (January 16, 2004) ACME Advertising, a little-known, perpetually struggling agency with a miniscule client base and enormous cash-flow problems, yesterday convened a meeting of the firm's top management during which they bitterly condemned Executive Vice President John Doe for not only failing to make the rain he promised he could when they hired him, but for necking with the CEO's secretary (and occasional paramour) at last year's Christmas party, not courtesy flushing while using the executive washroom, and wearing a pastel tee shirt under a white jacket at the recent company sales meeting in Florida.

Doe was then fired, and was given 20 minutes to get those stupid vendor freebies off his desk and into a repurposed liquor store box. They allowed him to transfer all the nude movie star photos he had been warehousing on his desktop, but kept all the MP3 downloads and Doe's screen saver of Britney Spears kissing Madonna.

Oddly, they found nothing in Mr. Doe's sales contact and call report software program or any of the PowerPoints he claimed he'd been using on cold calls. His favorites list included Ad Age.com, MediaPost.com, Yahoo! Sports, Farm Sex.com, Latvian Girls Under 12.com, and his CBS MarketWatch portfolio.

"Doe was a miserable bumblehead who couldn't sell hand warmers to Eskimos," says ACME Founder and CEO Whip L. Ash. "We bet the farm on his alleged contacts, but the fact is, nobody knows him, or will admit to it. He did more creative writing on his resume than he did in the year he spent at ACME."

Mr. Doe said, "It has been a wonderful run here at ACME and I think I have accomplished all the goals I set for myself. I look forward to spending more time with my family, doing something more entrepreneurial, or accepting a more challenging position in the ad industry, whichever you'll believe."

ACME sent an internal email to its staff announcing Doe's sacking, commanding that his name never be spoken again within the walls of the agency, but stating that if clients ask about his departure they will be told it was "mutual and amicable."

ACME's HR department, fearing the usual lawsuit that accompanies such ugly proceedings, has been instructed not to comment on Mr. Doe's abilities if prospective employers or headhunters call.

"With any luck," said Mr. Ash, "One of our competitors will hire him."