• by Jack Feuer , April 1, 2009

There are things that fester in our society -- horrible, insane ideas -- that our human brains cannot contain without going kill-crazy or getting totally shit-faced.

Bailouts.

Bonuses.

Steve Wozniak dancing.

The George W. Bush Presidential Library.

And there are plenty more where those nightmares came from. If this country were a location, it would be a restroom on the New Jersey Turnpike.

That's why substance abuse is not a weakness in post-civilized America. It's a survival trait. And nothing sparks the bong faster than the automotive industry, which is to self-medication what red flags are to bulls.

I wrote about or worked for automakers and their marketing vendors for two decades, so I know what I'm talking about when I tell you that the domestic car business is the dumbest industry on earth.

It is distressingly predictable that the Big Three have ended ass-up on the junk pile that is the American economy. Alas, they're also three of the largest and most critical spenders in the U.S. marketplace. Thus, a not inconsiderable portion of the buckets of blood staining the streets of Detroit comes from fired, downsized or laid off ad and media agency executives, including quite a few of my friends.

So I'm stepping in to solve the whole mess. (You're welcome, Detroit. I still hate your weather, your food and your basketball team.)

First, ignore the pundits. Like The New York Times' David Brooks, who whined that Obama was the "Car Dealer in Chief" and said, among other blockheaded things, that one of the reasons U.S. carmakers are in trouble is because their cars suck. They don't, but what do you expect? Asking a New Yorker for insight on automobiles is like taking swimming lessons from a cat.

Second, restructuring is nice, but that's like switching country clubs. New location, different old white guys, same tone-deaf business.

Nope, what Chrysler and G.M. should do with their $22 billion in Obamabucks is buy more advertising. Tons of it. And every penny should be spent on national television, radio and place-based media. Ford should amp its ad spend, too. Here's why.

First, car buying is more dependent on brand imagery than any other category and hence, ultra-sensitive to marketing manipulation. Nobody drives a Mustang or a Corvette because they appreciate fine engineering, do they? And BMW may be the ultimate driving machine, but a bent antenna will cost you more to repair than you make in a year. Yet people would be buried with the things if they could.

Ergo national television, which -- youngsters, please stop fiddling with your iPhones and pay attention -- works well on the image front.

Second, once you've got your brand established, it's easy to get close to the purchase decision and do a little hard selling. Car buying is not done on impulse; people drive to dealerships to shop for new vehicles.

Ergo radio and place-based media. (I fail to understand why I don't see a car deal advertised on every gas-station screen I see -- and in L.A., I see a lot of them.)

And there you have it. Problem solved. A critical U.S. industry back on track. And you'll have advertising to thank for it. And me.

But I'll probably be too wasted to appreciate it.