• by George Simpson , Featured Contributor, October 16, 2009

It turns out that it isn't true that on the Internet "no one knows you're a dog."

A recent study by Nielsen Claritas found that people on MySpace are decidedly more "middle-class, blue-collar" than those on Facebook, and that denizens of both are more downscale than users of LinkedIn and Twitter. Which should come as little surprise, since our nation has a rich heritage of isolating social classes along economic, racial and even religious lines. If we choose to live in neighborhoods surrounded by people "like us," it follows that we would want to hang out online with those like us. But, just like you don't want any outsiders to move in and "lower the property values," I think it is important that we protect the class lines in social media.

For example, if Ralph Kramden or Ed Norton were to post their resumes in LinkedIn, I think it only appropriate if you threaten to post negative criticism of their work, until they decamp to MySpace where "surely they would be more comfortable."

And if you get a Twitter from Norton that claims the right way to address the ball in golf is, "Hellooooo, ball!" I suggest you encourage everyone you know to stop following him to minimize his impact on the generally highly level of discourse flowing across the Twitter world (notice of the consumption of unappetizing meals and distance run achievements notwithstanding.)

Is it me, or do the drunken teenagers on Facebook seem to come from better suburban and private schools than the more rural and urban drunken teenagers on MySpace? Something sure to catch the eye of admission committees who can discern between barf on a Polo shirt vs. a Sean John. Or perhaps they can spot the premium beer and liquor brands in the hands of the more affluent stumble bums. On the other hand, with lily-white teenagers sooner or later all going through their gangsta phases, it might make sorting out the MySpacers from the Facebookers a little harder.

But browsing the conversation in each social medium should yield clues to those out of their designated elements. For example, if someone in MySpace says they thought it "a travesty that Placido Domingo was given the $1 million Birgit Nilsson Award by Sweden's King Carl XVI Gustaf instead of Roberto Alagna, who probably lost points because of his pending divorce from Angela Gheorghiu..." it might be a year or two before anyone else comments with the exception of "yo, don't forget to wear your Vikings jersey to the bowling tournament on Friday. Go Brett!"

Similarly, if someone on Facebook posts, "Got a great looking 5 in. kafer fitting; looks like I can finish the sink by Thursday..." it would be not be inappropriate to post back: "Have you thought about heading over to MySpace, where somebody (perhaps even everybody) will know what the hell a kafer fitting IS?"

It is harder to hide your identity on LinkedIn, since you are supposed to post your resume so in theory someone could hire you. That this has never once happened in the history of social media should not discourage you, but since everyone else in LinkedIn is so frickin' upscale, you might want to embellish here or there. For example: Executive Assistant to Regional Sales Manager (2004-2005) Responsible for recruiting, training and managing team of 250 sales representatives in 8 international offices. Grew company revenues from 2K to $3.5 million in less than one year. Got that same Salesman of the Year trophy that Michael Scott has on his desk. Left to pursue other entrepreneurial interests.

Finally, in order to maintain the "status" of Twitter, it is essential that you never twit about any of the following: Razrs, Gossip Girl, Michael Arrington, the Kansas City Chiefs, NOS Energy Powershot, AT&T coverage, SAW VI, Blackstone, Glenn Beck, Brazilian Butt Lift Autologous Fat Transfer or AOL. In no particular order.