• by George Simpson , Featured Contributor, March 27, 2004

Apparently, assembly-line workers and call-center operators are not the only ones whose jobs are being outsourced overseas. Builder.com, a CNET site for software application developers, is--on an experimental basis, it is said--cutting 40 percent of its freelance budget and using the money to outsource the authoring of many of its articles to an editorial firm in India.

I guess you can thank Esther Dyson if this is the straw that finally tips the trade balance and sends the economy into ruin.

While this might send a shiver down the spine of any white-collar worker, I saw it as opportunity to throw off the yoke of my MediaPost slave masters and put it on the shoulders of some willingly underpaid citizen of the land Mark Twain described as "the most extraordinary country that the sun visits on his rounds. Nothing seems to have been forgotten, nothing overlooked."

Here is a transcript of my attempted transaction:

Editorial firm in India (EFII): Yes please, a betty good day to you, sir?

ME: Uh, yes, I'm in the United States and I'd like to outsource my weekly online column.

EFII: Ah, yes, betty good, sir. We do lots of columns from United States.

Me: You do? Like whose?

EFII: Oh my--let's see now, we are at the moment doing: Dave Barry, Camille Paglia, Art Buchwald, Matt Drudge, Garrison Keillor, Jimmy Breslin, and Peggy Noonan.

Me: Holy mackerel!

EFII: Oh yes, I am sorry to be forgetting George Will and Tina Brown.

Me: How does it work--do they send you an outline?

EFII: Oh, my goodness--no, we just write the columns and send them with no input from our clients. Remember that idea in Dave Barry's column to publish the telemarketers' phone numbers? We thought that up.

Me: Where do you get your information, say, for the Drudge report?

EFII: Mostly from our network of subcontinent taxi drivers in every major U.S. city. Oh, and also cell phones, surely a blessing sent by Krishna. Americans talk like no one else can hear them. All we have to do is listen and take notes.

Me: How do you do someone like George Will?

EFII: We collected everything he has ever written and run it through a computer program that simply rearranges the ideas and the quotes.

Me: Can anyone tell?

EFII: You tell me. Do you think Mr. George has written anything about Mr. Bush that he didn't write about President Reagan or Mr. Bush's father? Or that Tina Brown has had an original thought in the past three years?

Me: Hmm, point well made. Do you just write columns?

EFII: Oh my--no, we do all sorts of writing. We wrote Tom Clancy's last four books.

Me: Let me guess--the computer reorganizer program?

EFII: Indeed, sir. We also wrote Martha Stewart's attorney's closing argument, the Yahoo! speech for Howard Dean, the first three drafts of The Passion of Christ, and the CIA briefing paper on Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq. We'll write anything. That tag on your pillow that says you'll go to jail if you tear it off ... we wrote that as a little joke on our American friends.

Me: Wow, who knew? How much do your pay your writers?

EFII: Betty good, betty good.1000 rupees a day!!

Me: That sounds pretty good ... how much is ...?

EFII: 24 American dollars at the current exchange rate. But remember, in Bombay a 4 bdrm, 2bth, new kitch, river vws is only $67.50 a month.

Me: Can you help me?

EFII: Most certainly, sir--what do you write?

Me: A column for MediaPost.

EFII: Yes, yes--very fine, continue. What is it about?

Me: A sort of humorous look at the world of advertising and media.

EFII: Oh, very sorry, sir--very sorry indeed. We cannot help you!

Me: Why not?

EFII: Haven't you been reading the trades? There's nothing funny about advertising or media. A very goodbye, sir.