Following a weekend spent at a family wedding, at a New England inn so quaint that even the squirrels wore Izod, I couldn't wait to get home and reunite with my television. After nearly seven hours
on the road, I bounded through the door, my heart fluttering either with joy or breakfast-meat-induced aortic convulsions, and leaped into the waiting folds of my couch. It received me as it would an
old friend, or a sweaty throw pillow.
My television and I reaffirmed our vows that night and swore never to argue again. Later, I withdrew from its radiant glow and trudged up to the bedroom,
where I plopped on the bed and fired up the late local news on another TV. It's not cheating if you get away with it, amiritefellas? I slept just fine that night, thanks for
asking.
I could pooh-pooh the ethical ramifications of my casual tele-infidelity because both sets sprang from the loins of the universe's greatest tech brand, Samsung. It seemed like fate,
then, when the first clip that crossed my path during my Monday morning video walkabout was "Evolutionary
Husband?," Samsung's attempt to hype the next-generation Evolution Kit for sets like my own.
My first
thought, even before watching the clip, was "I want one of these and I will extract and sell the vital organs of those I love to get my hands on one - or two, depending on its compatibility with the
more aged of my two sets." But that's just the effect of the Samsung brand sheen, which is less a miracle of marketing (cough! Sony! cough!) than of clever functionality and design. For folks like me,
Samsung need not traffic in viral piffle. It merely has to let us know that the next iteration of its phone/TV/wifi-enabled blender/whatever has been, uh, iterated for purchase, and we'll baaaaaaa!
all the way to Best Buy.
So the charms - or utter lack thereof - of "Evolutionary Husband?" are beside the point for a sizable chunk of the intended audience. As long as it feeds our Samsung
brandlust, the clip's content doesn't matter. It can be as hilarious as "Man Getting Hit By Football" or as unfunny as an avalanche. It can be
as enlightening as a TED conversation between the Dalai Lama and the two surviving Beatles or as soul-deadening as a TED conversation between Gwyneth Paltrow and kale.
As it turns out,
"Evolutionary Husband?" shoots ankle-low, falling back on the usual white-guys-are-dumb-and-indolent-and-they-like-TV-and-they-make-noises-with-their-bodies tropes. While I may resemble that
particular stereotype, I don't have any problem with white men being sketched in a way that would make the Internet explode if it were any other gender, race or ethnicity (for that particular scold
perspective, just take a gander at the YouTube comments beneath the clip). No, my problem is with the laziness, the complete absence of creative thought. Derrrrr, slob on sofa have tiny
brain-brain! Plug him into Evolution Kit and he cook and shave and clean and help with baby-person and be all romantic-like! Pretty lady-wife no longer has look of bemused resignation! Derrrrrr!
Derrrrr grunt derrrrrrrrrrrrr!
Even worse, the video gives only the vaguest description of what the Evolution Kit does. It plugs into the back of my TV - okay, that's a start. Internet
access is somehow involved, I think. Functions? Features? Is that a weather vane? I have no clue. Ultimately, I come away from "Evolutionary Husband?" less excited about the Kit than I was before
viewing the clip.
What I would have liked from "Evolutionary Husband?," then? Fair question. How about some sarcasm-free enthusiasm for the product being shilled? By all accounts, the
Evolution Kit will transform my television into a Whirring Miracle Wonderbox of Mirth. So let me see it in action. Let me see someone like me - I can send a formal head shot, taken during my
early-'90s Richard Grieco phase - basking in its awesomeness. Play off my anticipation and
excitement. Tease me a little. Just don't hit me with the same dumb-dude jokes that have larded 62.5 percent of all commercials during the last decade.
Samsung is better than this. The target
audience for the Evolution Kit is better than this. "Evolutionary Husband?" is click-bait for the comically inert.