Ideate. Activate. Opiate.

“His brand DNA is all about authenticity.”  -- Lee Traupel, Business2Community, August 15, 2014

I know, right?

We at are all about authenticity as well. Authenticity and heroin. We are the disruptive serial entrepreneurs to first reach market with artisanal opiates (think: methadone on steroids, with a hint of fennel) merchandised through an empowered distributed network at scale.  We are crushing it.


As thought leaders in the Schedule 1 controlled-substances space,’s sweet spot is technology-driven, best-in-class delivery in a law-enforcement-overwhelmed environment. Through our innovative, platform-agnostic Statute-Hack analytics, we have identified plenty of runway. In fact, we have identified 16 runways -- situated mainly in Louisiana, Texas and Nassau, Bahamas.

We will employ them as drone-ports, much as contemplated by our friends at, where innovation is in their DNA. Authentic and consumer-facing as we are, our DNA is composed mainly of nucleotides. Hence our company motto: “Let others ideate. We activate.” At the moment, several of our board of advisors are activating a bong while hashing over a Series A round. They keep talking about seed capital and burn rate, but in what context I am not sure. In addition, our Director of Cartel Relations is slow dancing by herself.



Or should I say, leaning in.

As you have no doubt noticed in the trade press, has arrived at an inflection point. This is a challenge we welcome. Rest assured, we remain laser focused on our partners in the pharma-dependent community. They constitute an unusually motivated cohort, who partner with us day after day, week after week, no matter their contemporaneous cash-flow circumstances. Cognizant of their immense brand loyalty, we have optimized our capacity to reach out on corners and similar non-virtual environments. And we have exploited their social graphs to establish valuable relationships in the lucrative burglar, inmate and corrections-officer communities.

Why am I sharing this information now? Well, every growing organization encounters some speed-bumps along the way. This is the case with as we near the end of Q3.

Currently we are seeking to fill two critical positions, for which no mere mortals need apply. We need a true rock star (Keith Richards?) for endorsement value/product testing. And we are in search of a ninja* developer. To be specific, we need him to develop an HR program, following an unfortunate incident in Q4 in which we advertised for a Change Agent and inadvertently brought on an undercover DEA agent. The candidate must be lean, nimble, Excel- and throwing-star-proficient and capable of digging large holes in the desert. Pending this key personnel upgrade, has been forced to pivot back into stealth mode. This update comes to you via a proxy server in occupied Ukraine.

At the end of the day, however, it’s all about the deliverables. Which is why is pleased to announce the acquisition -- for cash and assault weapons -- of, a global leader in crack rack stack technology. In the words of Chief Inspiration Officer and Brutality Guru “The Turk,” the new Smackeroo will “Maximize ROI going forward. Or your family will die.”

*References required.

11 comments about "Ideate. Activate. Opiate.".
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  1. James Hering from The Richards Group, August 18, 2014 at 2:28 p.m.

    Thank you for the witful parody... or was it?

  2. Brian Gardenhire from Camelot Communications, August 18, 2014 at 2:37 p.m.

    not the future--this is "real-time"!

  3. dorothy higgins from Mediabrands WW, August 18, 2014 at 4:44 p.m.


  4. Patrick Scullin from Ames Scullin O'Haire, inc., August 18, 2014 at 5:30 p.m.

    Sounds great, what's the stock symbol? This is going to be BIG!

  5. Tom Hespos from Underscore Marketing LLC, August 19, 2014 at 8:29 a.m.

    I'm not going to invest. Not enough cloud, SaaS, API, Big Data or Dashboards.

  6. Christopher Stephenson from OnWords, August 19, 2014 at 9:05 a.m.

    You're too early for us. Good luck!

  7. Dave Brody from Purch, August 19, 2014 at 9:32 a.m.

    Mainline horse-sense; this business has got it by the kilo. Strong buy!

  8. Edward Shain from EMS Associates, August 19, 2014 at 12:17 p.m.

    Not funny. Not even close.

    In fact, genuinely ignorant and stupid. Some of us don't find drug use something to parody.

    But you're so clever.....I'll bet you're above criticism, aren't you?

  9. Andrew Boer from MovableMedia, August 19, 2014 at 12:56 p.m.

    I looked up the article this was supposed to parody (Future Proofing your Brand strategy), which was made harder since the original author was actually "Lee Traupel" not "Lee Traubel" and the authentic "brand journalist" that Garfield is snarking here is Robert Scoble. So according to the commutative properties of metaphor, Rackspace is some kind of heroin dealer.

    This post is way off the rails.

  10. David Cutler from EatMedia, August 24, 2014 at 9:44 a.m.

    Hey Negative Nellies - Please do not forget that Bob goes loco so we don't have to. His humor is supposed to ease our frustrations in this insane world. Have a dose of your libation of choice (no judgement dudes) and lighten up. Hey Bob, you need a Chaos app... for inspiration see "Cloud To Butt Plus" in the Chrome Web Store

  11. Mark Poland from, October 14, 2014 at 8:43 a.m.

    Very interesting thougts. Thank you for the post. May a question, what's Q3? :)

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