• by Larry Dobrow , Featured Columnist, November 25, 2015

It’s Thanksgiving week, meaning that three eventualities shall come to pass. First, commercial entities will engage in pixel-to-pixel combat for holiday primacy. Second, bearers of oversized suitcases will face hatred and discrimination wherever they roam, especially on escalators. And third, I will eat pie.

Beyond that, who the heck knows what this transitional week will bring. Come this afternoon when the clock strikes like 3:15 or so, we upshift from the quotidian grind into crazy holiday super-crush mode. Anything will then seem like fair game, including the issuance of an impertinent “hmph” when the barista neglects to hand-emboss a menorah onto my pagan-plain Starbucks cup.

Indeed, the mirth will escalate quickly and without regard to basic human decency, as has been foretold by H&M’s Katy Perry holiday video, the spectacularly rhyme-titled “From the Makers of Happy & Merry H&M Presents Katy Perry.” There are two ways to experience it, I’d argue. The first is as intended, with volume blaring and senses straining to process the amalgam of twinkly-eyed children and overcaffeinated anthropomorphic gingerbread people. Doing so, however, lends a degree of order to the clip’s chaotic world, and forces the viewer/listener to ponder the syntactical volatility of its “every day is a holiday/when you’re the reason to celebrate” refrain. Where’s the fun in that?

Instead, I recommend that viewers enjoy the clip with the volume off, which gives it the effect of a particularly vivid and horrifying fever dream. “Happy & Merry” opens with Perry in her usual super-self-aware-game-show-hostess persona. After a quick address of some sort (remember, there’s no sound in this retelling - just play along, okay?) she snaps the clip into action and whoa - do those presents have arms and legs? It appears that they do. Isn’t that something.

In short order, the video descends into candy-colored bedlam, via the appearance, in order, of the following: turquoise-haired Katy, children in the throes of holiday wonderland happy hug bliss, bulked-up gingerbread people, dark-haired-with-pigtails Katy, infantrymen who wandered off the set of a community production of “The Nutcracker,” dancing snowflakes, festive holiday men with reindeer antlers, a festive holiday man with reindeer antlers dangling mistletoe from what appears to be a javelin, dueling bears in their holiday-sweater finery, somersaulting elves, more armed-and-legged presents, more reindeer men, turquoise-haired Katy again, a Christmas tree, a close-up giggle from a freckle-faced lad of spirit pure and untamed, Katy as a Nutcracker marching band foot soldier, super-tall candy cane people through whose legs Katy crouch-limbos, Katy making snow angels in a granular substance that isn’t actual snow, sleigh-bound Katy waving Queen Elizabeth-style, even more reindeer men, roller-skating pine trees, a Santa-hatted shirtless hunkthrob on the hood of a red convertible being towed by powder-faced kewpie dolls wearing heart sweaters, a foreground-jumping elf, hunkthrob snapping himself into clothing that would be entirely appropriate for a visit to the dentist, reindeer man throwing fake snow, a model in a holiday sweater who looks a little like Tyra Banks, an actual polar bear, prancing tree ornaments, 11 women in electric-lime-green minis each holding up one letter of “Happy & Merry,” roller-skating trees again, black-haired Katy and two somersaulting kids bursting out of a oversized novelty present box, drum break!, more of everything and everybody, the miniskirted letter women repurposed as a high-kicking chorus line, turquoise-haired Katy stuffed into a toddler-size sequined halter top, hunkthrob again, Katy as Tinker Bell, more more more more more more more more more and more.

In conclusion, “Happy & Merry” is why I no longer dabble in mind-altering substances. Who can tell the difference anymore? Also, H&M sells cheap clothes, I think?

Happy Turkey Day, everybody. Don’t eat anything I wouldn’t.