• by George Simpson , Featured Contributor, February 27, 2020

Living in South Carolina is a joy in many ways — not least of which is being surrounded by people who tell you with utterly straight faces that they plan to vote for Trump (again), and get offended if you ask with an equally straight face if they have lost their minds.

Nothing has fazed them, not the nearly 20,000 lies, not the impeachment, not the parade of bodies leaving the administration on a daily basis, nor our nation having become the laughing stock of the rest of the civilized world.

A sane person just walks away from such exchanges, remembering that in this state it is perfectly fine to have a loaded gun on your person — and those who are part of Trump’s base seem exactly like the kind of people who are strapped and looking for a reason to squeeze off a couple of rounds in defense of “our President.”

But the collection of muddle-headed candidates who oppose Trump make it that much harder to say: “Well, this one would do a much better job.” Having watched at least part of all the Democratic party debates (and read the “truth check” follow-up stories), it's pretty hard to get excited by any of those who seem likely to get the party nomination.

Let’s take stock:

The other night Joe Biden (who counts everything good that happened during the Obama administration as his doing) acted kind of like a meth addict who couldn’t remember where he’d hidden his stash. He was so angry and defensive that you thought maybe a reporter had asked him, “How did you manage to keep Malia and Sasha virgins?”

There is much to like about Bernie Sanders’ frankness and passion for righting the nation on healthcare and educations costs. But I would only vote for him if he promised never to speak publicly while in the White House. He’s like that know-it-all dinner guest who isn’t really listening to you, just waiting to jump back in to dominate the conversation for another 15 minutes.  And calling yourself a “socialist,” no matter how well-meaning, seems like a great way to lose the taxpayer vote.

Similarly, there is much to like about Pete Buttigieg. He often seems like the only candidate who practices his delivery in front of a mirror and tries to speak in complete sentences. He also is less prone to the hysterics that are hallmarks of Sanders and Warren (and now Biden). But either he shaves off that starter mustache or pastes on something more respectable. And even that doesn’t get him out of the “but he’s only been a mayor” argument.

Amy Klobuchar seems like a smart and capable candidate until she starts throwing what she thinks are humorous asides to the other candidates. They bounce her down to the school girl level of pettiness and seem to confirm why she can’t get above about fourth place in any poll.   

Elizabeth Warren is delightfully restrained and articulate, until she isn’t. There's nothing uglier on stage than her getting excited and trying to put down the other candidates. It is kind of like hearing a grandma turning away from the pie cooling on the windowsill and saying “When is this fucking thing going to cool off?” Also she might want to shoot her wardrobe advisor.

I have been watching Tom Steyer ads on TV for what seems like a year, and I still have NO idea what he is talking about and why he thinks he can jump into Washington and run a government he has never been part of. This was the only state where he got high enough in the polls for people to say “What about Tom Steyer?” -- but nobody else had an answer either.

I have great hopes that Michael Bloomberg can right his ship and stop sounding like he comes to debates utterly unprepared and arrogant. I lived in New York City during his administration and thought he did a pretty good job as mayor. On the other hand, I was never stopped and frisked. That he is spending millions of his own money to try and win matters not to me, but should send a shiver down the spineless NRA.

I will vote for whoever runs against Trump even it is Pee-wee Herman or Tomás de Torquemada. It would be nice to get excited by an opposition candidate rather than flip a coin, though. Do any of these characters excite you?