• by George Simpson , Featured Contributor, April 23, 2020

Now that the coronavirus has been utterly politicized by what from a distance looks like it could be White Supremacists and other I-hate-the-government groups (with lots of backstage help from disinformation artists China and Russia), I have begun to lose interest in every detail concerning the pandemic.   

Either that, or I am heartbroken that cats can get/or carry COVID-19. 

Regardless, I am at a point where I don’t care if Georgia is lining itself up for the next major outbreak, or That Idiot in The White House keeps firing all the smart scientists and doctors who can help get us out of this mess.  I am kinda done. 

On the off chance you too are not hanging on every word about the pandemic, here is a summary of this past week’s key developments.

Finger-pointing about where COVID-19 started continues unabated. The Great Eastern Establishment Press has concluded that it did not in fact leak out of a chemical warfare laboratory in Wuhan, but the Chinese are pretty convinced it started in the U.S. Italy, as always, shrugs and says, “What time is dinner?” Most of the red states say it doesn’t matter where it started, it’s largely over — and, despite all of the evidence that there will be a second wave (if not a third and a fourth), it is time to start re-infecting customers, school kids and front-line medical workers. 

It's now alleged that cell phone towers contribute to coronavirus infections. Weird, since I was convinced it was delivery pizza and gas pump handles. That most of the world doesn’t already have brain cancer from cell towers is a miracle, yes?

QAnon and anti-vaccine Facebook groups say the government introduced coronavirus, presumably to make money off a potential vaccine. If only the Trump government were that competent. 

Since Bill Gates said, “The world needs to prepare for pandemics in the same serious way it prepares for war” a couple of years ago, conspiracy theorists are saying he ominously predicted the engineering of a global catastrophe, for no reason other than personal profit. That Gates already has more money than he can spend in 10 lifetimes seems not to matter.  

Here’s one of my absolute favorites: The virus is a culling of the human population by the elites.  This makes sense if you are elderly or a racial minority, since you are getting smacked at a higher rate than mere mortals. But the fact that some younger folks with college educations and high incomes are also dying, indicates that starting a pandemic is not a particularly efficient way to commit genocide.

Also out there in no particular order:

• DNA testing related to the coronavirus is secretly a way to find hybrid aliens among us. This is more easily done by counting heads at Trump rallies. 
• Regularly taking vitamin C supplements can help ward off the coronavirus (presumably based on the idea that vitamin C can also combat the common cold). If that fails, try Thorazine. It will help you think more clearly. 
• Using a hand dryer for at least 30 seconds is an effective method to ward off the coronavirus. Which explains all those folks standing in line at public bathrooms. 
• They are going to force everyone to take the upcoming vaccine to either sterilize us or to tag all of us. Personally, I am waiting for the electronic beacon that Amazon/Facebook/Microsoft will inject into my forearm. 
• Supporters of QAnon have been telling people to drink a bleach-based product that has been touted by anti-vaxxers for years, as an effective means of warding off coronavirus. The product contains toxic chemicals and can result in vomiting, diarrhea, and acute liver failure if ingested in large amounts.  But the good news is that you don’t have to spend your last three days on a ventilator. 

Finally, here is the only one that seems to make perfect sense to me: Elites trying to bring down Trump released COVID-19 to cause a financial collapse that will cause him to lose the next election.

Well worth it, right?