• by George Simpson , Featured Contributor, June 26, 2006

While most people assume that a stretch in prison is the shortest route to a criminal higher education, Abertay University in Dundee (UK) is launching a computer hacking course in September. While it presumably isn't free like a stay in Sing-Sing and orange jumpsuits are more of a fashion option than a requirement, I expect the course will be nonetheless attractive to those who take pleasure in denial-of-service successes or making a market in other people's credit card numbers.

The course, laughingly called "Ethical Hacking & Countermeasures," is being carefully positioned as a way to "train more white hat hackers to fight the growing threat of cyber-crime." One assumes that as graduates cross to receive their diplomas, they recite the Abertay school promise "to never to use their skills for the ways of evil, even if it is far more lucrative, not to mention fun, than wearing a white hat."

It occurs to me that this is a great opportunity for a school that could use a little makeover (Duke comes to mind, for some reason) to help raise the overall standards of nefarious Web behavior. Consider the possible curriculum:

New Takes on The Old Nigerian Oil Scam 101: By now, nearly the entire planet (except maybe the Chinese, and with or without Yahoo and Google, they'll get there) knows that the relatives of the late (insert high-ranking Nigerian oil ministry official) are not about to pony up their end of the $25 million, no matter how many money orders you send them. This course will explore alternative ways to virtually stamp "sucker" across foreheads, such as fictitious lottery winnings and guys who die and leave behind huge estates with no rightful heirs.

An Eyeball Is An Eyeball is An Eyeball 102: In spite of all the rosy projections of increased online ad spending, ain't nobody buying your inventory--is that your problem, Sparkie? Learn garbitrage--buying up everyone else's leftover ad inventory for 5 cents a thousand and reselling it for 20 cents a thousand. Make sure the dingbat who's buying the inventory doesn't know where his ads will run, taking a page out of the affiliate handbook that promises "An Eyeball Is An Eyeball is An Eyeball!"

Open This E-mail or I Will Shoot This Dog 302: Time was when you could get unsuspecting users to read your e-mail by promising naked pictures of teenagers from any number of impoverished former Eastern Bloc nations, asking if they wanted 3-hour hard-ons, or million-dollar mortgages at .0024 percent. But thanks to anti-spam programs, you must become more creative. Here we review all of the latest ideas, such as tagging your return mail as "customer service" or "a bank where you have no accounts to begin with" or subject lines that promise effortless weight loss, can't miss equities, eternal life, or yet more advice from Peppers & Rogers.

How to Make the World Unaware of Adware 204: Tired of being called an "unethical adware distributor" just because your free computer scanning tool inundates consumers with pop-ups for your or someone else's products? Learn how to set up a complicated multi-tiered network of relationships, making it difficult for pointy-headed-intellectuals like Ben Edelman and Eliot Spitzer to know the real source of the adware. Better yet, change your name, repudiate your affiliates, rephrase your download policies, blame it on the consumer, and call yourself a behavioral targeting company.