I can just imagine the first staff meeting, where all the pumped-up junior associates fire off blue-sky PR ideas to help the cause.
"We simply MUST get a celebrity spokesperson; it'll really drive coverage.
Who can we get that just gushes 'democracy'?"
"How about Martin Sheen? Most people think Josiah Bartlet is the President of the United States, anyway."
Memo note: check to see if any of Iraq's 13 TV stations carry West Wing.
"Charlton Heston?"
"No, the last thing the Iraqis need is someone whose "cold dead hand" still has a gun in it. Or worse yet, who can't remember why he picked up the gun."
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Memo note: Check availability of Dixie Chicks.
"The best marketing is word of mouth, so let's hire lots of out-of-work actors and actresses and have them hang out in tea shops and strike up casual conversations, like asking the person next to them if 'taxation without representation doesn't just suck?' Or maybe 'Don't you LOVE states-rights?'" If there aren't enough actors, we can get the college kids left over from the Dean campaign. Clearly, they'll do ANYTHING to be part of the process."
"How about a democracy-sponsored 'fun run?' We could plot out a course that takes runners to all the important sites, like where Saddam was hiding in that hole and where they shot up Uday and Qusay. We'd have to have a good team of EMTs on hand for runners who sprain their ankles in smart bomb craters, or who slip on oil leaking from the pipelines. We could give finishers 'Freedom' medals with portraits of great democratic leaders like Gerald Ford and Margaret Thatcher."
"How about a sweepstakes? People love to win stuff. We could ask people who enter to identify which great American best typifies democratic ideals:
George Wallace
Madalyn Murray O'Hair
Bill O'Reilly
Abbie Hoffman
Hughie Long
Spiro Agnew
Philip Barrigan
Ralph Nader
Winners would get an all-expense-paid trip to Independence, Missouri or sixteen sheep, whichever they prefer.
Memo note: check price of sheep.
"There seems to be a good deal of strife and bitterness between different factions of the population. Let's do a really brilliant IMAX tour of neighborhoods in the United States where people have learned to get along: South Boston, Crown Heights, South Central, and Waco."
"Goodie bags are always a hit. We could hire models to hand out bags of things that represent rights in a democratic society like a cable bill from 10 years ago and today, showing the right to take advantage of your local charter; gas prices from 5 years ago and today, illustrating the right to gouge consumers; a circulation statement from G+J, showing the right to be creative; a tape of "The Apprentice" that demonstrates the right to be both rich and a crushing bore; and a photo of Dick Cheney, so they'll know what 'right" looks like."
"How about a press stunt, like we fix up an old house, decorating each room in a different democratic theme? There could be the Hanging Chad Room, the Rodney King Room, the Ruby Ridge Room, the Selma Room, the Wounded Knee Room, the Columbine Room...
Memo note: rethink assignment.
George Simpson is president of George H. Simpson Communications. His column appears weekly in MediaDailyNews.
Clarification: George Simpson's March 24 commentary, "No More Free Lunch at Café Yahoo!," was written as satire and was not meant to suggest that the town of Darien, Conn., had actually agreed to open a Hooters restaurant/bar, or that the president of the town's Chamber of Commerce had actually been let go. We apologize for any confusion this may have caused to those who took Simpson's satire literally.