• by George Simpson , Featured Contributor, March 28, 2008

American Journal of Psychiatry says Internet addiction, including "excessive gaming, sexual pre-occupations and e-mail/text messaging," is a common compulsive-impulsive disorder that should be added to the 2012 edition of psychiatry's official dictionary of mental illnesses. According to Dr. Jerald Block, a psychiatrist at the Oregon (where else?) Health and Science University, people can lose all track of time or neglect "basic drives" like eating or sleeping while online. Relapse rates are high and some people may need psychoactive medications or hospitalization.

Gabriel Byrne:"How was your week?"

Me: "Fine.  No, really, it was fine."

Gabriel Byrne: "Did you go online this week?

Me: (blushing) "Well, just a little, not much, you know--a little."

Gabriel Byrne: "Really?  How many hours?"

Me: "Uh, um, only about 12 hours...."

Gabriel Byrne: "For the week, why that's wonderful..."

Me: "No, that would be 12 hours each day."

Gabriel Byrne: "Oh, my..."

Me: "I think I'm getting better. Last week was closer to 13 hours a day."

Gabriel Byrne: "Could that have anything to do with the best network shows still being off the air?"

Me: "Maybe, I don't know, I just know that I can't stop."

Gabriel Byrne: "And tell me, what did you do online --  the usual: 'excessive gaming, sexual pre-occupations and e-mail/text messaging'?"

Me: (sobbing)"Yes, yes, yes, all of them, plus more. I read news and wrote in Word and downloaded music and watched the 'Battlestar Galactica' get-caught-up-video; posted to Facebook, ordered some books and checked the weather, God help me!"

Gabriel Byrne: "You know, I am not sure that talk therapy is working for you. We might have to try psychoactive medications or hospitalization."

Me: (brightening) "Psychoactive medications? What are we talking here: Psilocybin?Methamphetamines? Morphine? Maybe a little Vicodin?

Gabriel Byrne: "You wish. Maybe something along the lines of Buprenorphine or Naltrexone."

Me: "Bummer..."

Gabriel Byrne: "Let's see if we can get to the underlying desire to be online so much.  Can you tell me why being online makes you feel good?"

Me: "Feel good? Did I say anything about feeling good?"

Gabriel Byrne: "Well, no, not exactly, but you are online 12 hours a day. I don't think that is normal, so it has to bring you some pleasure or you wouldn't continue to do it, day in and day out."

Me: "Pleasure? Have you exchanged emails with Brian Morrissey? Or waited three weeks for Suzanne Vranica to make up her mind?  Or tried to convince Saul Hansell of anything?  I am not sure there is any pleasure to be found during most of my time online...although I am probably in the top five 'Bejeweled' players in the Western World."

Gabriel Byrne: "'Bejeweled'?  Is there something in your closet you aren't telling me?"

Me: "Funny, my wife often asks the same question..."

Gabriel Byrne: "So you take no pleasure in being online all day. Perhaps your body has built up a tolerance, and you need more and more time online each day to get any satisfaction from it?"

Me: "Very possibly, but there is a lot to keep up with. Every time I come back from the bathroom, there are six morePeter Shankman reporter queries, 23 more Brad Waller opinions, or eight more MediaPost Daily this or thats. It takes a lot of time to get to everything. I could spend all day just turning down invitations to join this social network or that one."

Gabriel Byrne: "So what yer tellin' me is that you have lost your identity --  you have become only who you are online?"

Me: "Sorry, Paul, logging off now..."

The story you have just read is an attempt to blend fact and fiction in a manner that provokes thought, and on a good day, merriment. It would be ill-advised to take any of it literally. Take it, rather, with the same humor with which it is intended. Cut and paste or link to it at your own peril.