• by George Simpson , Featured Contributor, May 9, 2008

In a wonderfully reasoned Ad Age column this week, Al Ries says that there have been five mass media evolutions that have created enormous upheavals in society:

1) The book ignited the knowledge explosion.

2) The periodical furthered the growth of democracy.

3) Radio created a celebrity-oriented society.

4) TV homogenized the culture.

5) The Internet gave everyone a byline, put porn a click away and created a variety of grotesque aberrations like AOL, Michael Arrington and spam.

Al Ries argues that the Next Big Thing will be The Mobilenet, which will come of age as everyone acquires mobile gadgets that integrate telecom service with three technologies in an attractive and convenient package: 1) GPS, global-positioning-system receiver; 2) scanner; and 3) voice-recognition software.

Over the years folks have lost some serious money betting against Al Ries (not to mention the cost of buying his dozen or so books) so I would pay some heed to the Mobilenet concept. Yet, it seems to me that there have been interim mass media developments that should be on his upheaval list, like the following:

Movies: provided the first serious challenge in 1,900 years to the Christian notion of loving thy neighbor as thy self. It takes more than a few Hail Marys to refrain from leaping over the rows and throttling: the guy talking loudly to his wife about the air-conditioning; the couple sharing a box of fried chicken; the 20 assholes who didn't turn off their cell phones; or the one guy behind you crunching loudly on popcorn, a food invented by native Americans (in payback for typhoid blankets and Wounded Knee) solely to ruin the silence of the cinema.

Console Video Games: accelerated the process by which adolescents separate from their parents and establish their own identities, or rather assume those of murderous soldiers, injury-proof skateboarders or trash-talking pro football players. At first alienated concerned parents who feared that SAT scores would slip by several hundred points, only to be later embraced as an alternative electronic babysitter to TV. Complete adoption marked by the utterance: "Why don't you boys quiet down and go play some video games."

MP3 Players, nee Walkmans: gave new meaning to public display of stupidity as transiting ear bud-sprouting "artists" assumed that the captive audience would admire their rhythm, their leaking volume and occasional offbeat, tuneless outburst of lyrics. In fact just the opposite occurred, as it often took entire buses or train cars worth of passengers to keep the boogie boys or girls from being lynched by one or more nearby sufferers.

BlackBerries: accelerated the process by which adults separate from other adults by making the non-Crackberry addict feel conspicuous and insignificant at the same time. Also led to truncated emails rife with misspelled hieroglyphics caused by an inability to successfully toggle between ALT and NUM keys. Marked beginning of the end of time.

Hand-held Games:widely procured as gifts for children by parents about to embark on lengthy family travels, they were presented with ironclad proviso that they could only be played with earphones on or the sound off. That children got "carsick" from reading books, but were able to play "Mario" for eight straight hours without effect remains a medical mystery to this day.

Cable TV: secretly funded by writers seeking new sources of residuals and over-the-hill actors who realized that the 500-channel construct was a creative black hole where chefs, bounty hunters, addicts and guys who can voiceover in an affected quasi-British accent could launch or extend their careers. Left millions pondering the meaning of Carnivàle and cursing Alex for passing up the chance to sleep with Laura.