• by George Simpson , Featured Contributor, December 12, 2008

What a splendid week to be in the media business. If it gets any more interesting, the unemployment lines in Manhattan may double again before Christmas. Here's a handy pocket guide in case your T3 service has been shut down for past-due invoices:

 

In a transparent attempt to save money and pander to the lowest common celeb-gossip denominator (oh, and to keep Jay Leno from jumping ship and launching a show against them), NBC gutted their expensive prime-time drama line-up and gave the aging comedian a nightly show at 10 p.m. In response, ABC has added a 10 p.m. newscast featuring Erin Hayes, Lisa Stark and Stephanie Sy, who will strip off an item of clothing for every story they introduce. Fox is negotiating to broadcast deathrow executions and webcam coverage of public restrooms. CBS is taking the high road and is giving the hour over to a reality series tracking marital spats on whether new dining room curtains or, conversely, 50-in flat screens, are an essential spend in this economy.

Facing the increased costs of postage and maintaining its circulation and weekly newsstand sales that have dropped off a cliff to 83,000 (from 147,000 in 2004), Newsweek is said to be seriously considering slashing its rate base from 2.6 million to 1 million. Infatuated with the Economist, Newsweek would like to transition from a newsmagazine to a weekly that appeals to "thought leaders." One assumes that there is a fundamental difference between a "thought leader" and "affluent, educated readers looking for the intelligent information and edge that only Newsweek provides. Influential and active in their lives, businesses and communities, they are an ideal, inquisitive and powerful consumer group for your advertising message." Perhaps if Newsweek had truly delivered "intelligent information and edge" they wouldn't have to downsize their circ (and undoubtedly, revenue). No snickering over there at Time, you ain't in much better shape, Sparkie.

The New York Times, on the other hand, will borrow up to $225 million against the 58% they own of their cool new building to try and keep the wolf from the door for a while longer. If that doesn't work, reporters have been authorized to transition from news reporting to advertorials and outright endorsements. "There is no separation of church and state anywhere else," says a Times spokesperson, "Why should we let editorial integrity drag down our earning potential?" The strategic shift sent major PR firms into a frenzy of early drafts of their own Chapter 11 announcements.

Those who voted for Sarah and John because they thought Obama may have been short on hand-dirtying experience, will be relieved to see that his home state is apparently a Disneyland of political corruption. Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich this week was arrested by Federal agents for trying to sell Obama's Senate seat and because he threatened to withhold substantial state assistance to the Tribune Company in connection with the sale of Wrigley Field in order to pressure the Chicago Tribune into firing editorial board members sharply critical of him. Real estate entrepreneur and late-stage newspaperman Sam Zell is kicking himself for not bidding early and often for Obama's seat.

The worsening economy appears to be helping computer crooks trick people into becoming "mules" for laundering money or stolen goods. Pitched in spam e-mails as "work-at-home" jobs that promise excellent part-time money for helping companies pay clients in other countries, victims are asked to open new bank accounts in their names, agree to accept anonymous payments into those accounts, and forward those payments by way of money transfer, usually to locations in Eastern Europe. Tragically, as Interneters turn their attention to money laundering, the number available to help transfer $25 million dollars from recently deceased oil barons, government cabinet ministers, and rich English guys who failed to name proper heirs, has shrunk alarmingly. The economic situation in Amsterdam, which would reap the hotel and restaurant proceeds from Americans traveling to meet their Nigerian partners, is increasingly dire.

The story you have just read is an attempt to blend fact and fiction in a manner that provokes thought, and on a good day, merriment. It would be ill-advised to take any of it literally. Take it, rather, with the same humor with which it is intended. Cut and paste or link to it at your own peril.