• by Don Seaman , Featured Contributor, May 21, 2010

CBS, your leader in total viewers, has a well-defined, time-honored script to their upfront presentation. They have it sealed in a hermetically sealed, climate-controlled vault. Each May, it's pulled out of its velvet-lined mahogany box (made from the same trees that built Ed Sullivan's original stage) by a hooded Les Moonves, who chants a secret Latin invocation ("Newhartium Burtnettus Mannix") 13 times, then places it facing to the east on a platter of gold.

Then David Poltrack gangsta raps. It's really only a single word that we can't use in a report about television -- although they can sort of use a version of it in a program title. CBS is all about breaking the paradigm, yo.

So yes, the quick script to the CBS upfront is thus: some loud music gives way to Les Moonves, who tells everyone how much he loves TV (well, network TV) and that CBS is the Titan among the Lilliputians. Jo Ann Ross appears as the sales face, followed by a CBS celebrity, then Nina Tassler to explain their bold moves and introduce the new shows, the celebrities seated in the front rows, the occasional star to speak onstage, then the grid. We're then to be seen at the after-party. Buses will be available for those who don't want to walk the seven blocks or so.

This is the CBS upfront, from time immemorial. Even the rapping is becoming standard - last year, "NCIS: Los Angeles" co-star LL Cool J was brought onstage to renew his rap career for an afternoon. I can tell you what kind of a response he got: there wasn't much of one. Media buyers don't "get up" just because somebody tells them to, LL. They're shy.

With all of that in mind, what did we learn at this most traditional of upfront presentations?

Well, we know that CBS has exciting new shows and has made bold moves.

We know that Chuck Lorre is the "reigning king of comedy."

We know that Sheldon from "Big Bang Theory," if presented with the chance to go back in time -- anywhere -- would go back to the NBC upfront in 1969 to urge buyers to spend more on "Star Trek." We also find out that William Shatner has much to tell him and enjoys a good nerd hug.

We're told that Dave and Craig are the funniest men in late night - and Craig has a shiny new Peabody to prove it.

And Les was rejected as an Undercover Boss -- he's "too stiff."

Apparently CBS also has sports.

And "everybody knows, we're the best at dramas." But we have a week full of presentation time that tells us others disagree with you.

CBS did make more moves than we expected. They tinkered with every night but Tuesday (good move) and Saturday (which they ignore once again). They'll attack the teetering comedy dynasty of NBC on Thursdays by moving "Big Bang Theory there, followed by the William Shatner-fronted "$#*! My Dad Says" (pronounced "Bleep My Dad Says" - seriously), the sitcom based upon the Twitter feed of roughly the same name. That's their biggest move. "Mike and Molly," a romantic comedy with a couple who face some weight issues, moves to the open Monday slot.

Their three new dramas are Tuesday's "The Defenders" (Jerry O'Connell and Jim Belushi as a team of defense attorneys who "play by their own rules," naturally); Friday's "Blue Bloods (CBS calls it "The Sopranos" of cops, and it stars Tom Selleck); and the show that might actually bring the TV theme song back, Hawaii Five-0." ("It's not your father's "Hawaii Five-0," says the network. It appears as though they're correct -- think how "The Dark Knight" wasn't the Adam West "Batman.")

Thanks for the mental theme song that will linger for days, CBS. Well, I have to admit, it's much better than the alternative. (Poltrack's "Bull$#*!" is now available on iTunes, where it's just behind Katy Perry for overall downloads).

FYI, LL Cool J walked past me at the after -party. He was wearing a diamond earring that was as big as my face.

Thanks for keeping it real, CBS. Now let's seal it up again. See you next spring.