• by Don Seaman , Featured Contributor, June 15, 2010

Oldsmar, FL - A critical data pipeline in the Nielsen system burst late last night, spewing thousands of GRPs into the air and threatening the fragile media ecosystem. Although there were no reported injuries, the impact on media buys and program deliveries may be undetermined for weeks, if not months.

"We won't know anything until we can get some crews in there and see what the damage really is," said a spokesperson from the MRC, a media watchdog group. "Nielsen has some aging infrastructure that has been in serious need of upgrade for some time, so this shouldn't really have been much of a surprise. It was always more of a 'when' than an 'if.' Like BP, we should have seen this coming a long time ago."

A representative from Nielsen responded by calling the analogy a common misconception -- claiming they're not the oil; they're the ocean.

"So who should have to clean up all these GRPs, then? Advertisers? It sounds like Nielsen's the one at sea here, not the industry," replied one perplexed buyer.

Nielsen has agreed that the infrastructure could have been better maintained and has promised a full update after all its data streams have been reprocessed. The company anticipates an email update by close of business tomorrow, and apologizes for any inconvenience this might cause.

Analysts caution that reprocessing will only further exacerbate an already tenuous situation. "It won't get any better when you add that sort of time-shifting into the mix," warned one researcher. "I don't care if they do promise results within the same day," he continued, "most of the impact is done right away. Letting it sit for one day, three days, even seven days, doesn't do anybody any good."

Nielsen later revised its initial standing, citing its status as an industry monolith implies certain responsibilities no matter who's truly at fault. The company will issue a special report on new "Pipeline Fusion" data, available starting in 2012, with an extended-tiered pricing package.

Fortunately, this problem is contained only to the national pipeline. Local market GRPs are protected from this sort of catastrophic breakdown, due to their use of multiple survey methodologies rather than one single system. Local buyers breathed a sigh of relief as most went back to softly yelling into their speakerphones with their station reps.

"We're guessing the worst damage will be with the NBC data," speculated one executive. "After their Leno Spill last year, they really didn't have time to get in there and make permanent repairs to their delivery systems."

One local resident quickly posted a picture of a stricken peacock, covered with the sticky film of C3 residue. Humanitarian efforts are underway to properly assess how to best clean the impacted ecosystem without releasing further toxic programming.

Further casting a shadow on the damage being done to NBC's streams are satellite photographs, which seem to back up this speculation. Most of the early spread of this event went from the recently abandoned "Southland," leeching into surrounding MSOs.

A CBS spokesperson claims the accident hit more of their viewers than any other network. After a brief sidebar, she returned to follow up with, "Um, I what I meant to say was 'sorry, that was just something my dad said.' NCIS!" She was hurried from the stage by an aide.

Fox may have the most time to minimize the damage. Its biggest flow of GRPs doesn't begin until 1Q, so the network is optimistic that it may have escaped with little damage. "Right now, it just looks like we're seeing minimal spillage. Thank God, it's only "The Good Guys" out there now, or else this would be a lot more devastating," remarked one Fox executive.

"This couldn't have happened at a worse time," said a visibly shaken assistant media buyer. "All of our buys were finally in, and our whole group was having our aftermarket assessment meeting at the Pound and Pence when the news came in. Nicole nearly spilled her whole margarita when she heard about it. Thank God she had plenty of wings before we got here, or else the damage might have been way worse."