OkCupid, which calls itself "The #1 free online dating site" (although in what way they are number one is an unresolved, perhaps inconsequential, question) earlier this week declared that 30-year-old iPhone users get laid more than similar male users of BlackBerry or Android phones. This upset me for a couple of reasons among them: I am not 30 and I use a Blackberry.
Based on aggregate data from 9,785 smartphone users, by age 30 male iPhone users have had ten sexual partners; female iPhone users, apparently the most promiscuous of the lot, have had 12.3. Male BlackBerry users, on the other hand, have only had 8.1 partners, although female BlackBerry users have had 8.8. Android phone users are at the bottom of the pile, with 6 partners for men and 6.1 partners for women.
At my age, I would happy with just being the rounding error on such a study, but perhaps it was merciful that they did not track the decade by decade decline in the number of sexual partners (nor their level of satisfaction). By this point I have to get a Ferrari to expand my number of sexual partners (not just a new phone) and the hard part of that is explaining to my wife, why I need a $100,000 new car to drive to the train station. Although I suspect she would know and roll on the floor laughing at the prospect of such a tactic being remotely successful.
But what can 30 year olds do with this information? Will we start seeing them in bars whipping out their cell phones like in bygone days they used to constantly check their chrome and silver Rolexes? Or take a more subtitle approach, dropping softly into the conservation, "You know, just this afternoon while talking on my iPhone..." And what kind of reaction can they expect? Will we overhear ladies' room admonishments such as, "Well for god's sake get a condom, he has an IPHONE." Or conversely, "Did you see the iPhone on that babe?"
And what of BlackBerry or Android phones users? Will they become socially stigmatized with apologies like, "Well, I know I only have a Blackberry, but it's the motion of the ocean, you know..." Or perhaps try to turn it to some advantage, "Don't let this little Android fool you....my QA rating is over 90%."
Other potential scenarios:
Phone store: "Yes, I know it's only a month old, but my parents don't want me walking around with an iPhone anymore. May I see the Android please?"
Water Cooler: "Did you see who got an iPhone yesterday? You know what THAT means."
Shrink: "I know it's my phone, it can't be me. I am friendly and open and not bad looking, don't you think?"
Confessional: "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I have purchased an iPhone so that I may satisfy my sexual desires ... Really? How's YOUR reception been?"
Café: "Wow, lookit that girl coming this way. Quick, lend me your iPhone."
Nightclub: "Get lost you, you, you ... Android user!"
Apt Battleground: "Well, I hope you and your iPhone have a wonderful life together. And don't ever use it to call me again!"
Me: "Well, I think I'll switch over to the iPhone."
My wife: "hahahahahahahahahah."