• by George Simpson , Featured Contributor, January 14, 2011

Now that Verizon, my present wireless carrier, has the iPhone, I have to do a searching and fearless moral inventory to see if I am cool enough to become an iGuy. I managed nicely without an iPod. In fact, when some sweaty guy at the gym saw me with Beats by Dr. Dre headphones (an unsolicited improvement over the usual socks and tie for Xmas) and a CD player, he made fun of my mix of "the oldest technology pumping through the newest."). Unlike my kid's iPods that all died sudden deaths, that CD player has about 80,000 miles on it and only needs a battery change every 10 hours or so. It has survived countless head-turn-induced floor crashes off the treadmill and cross-trainer.

While I watched wide-eyed as my pal and early adopter Jay Millard demonstrated his (then) new, first-generation iPhone, I decided that my BlackBerry was sufficient for my needs. I did, however, give my wife an iPhone, and it took her nearly a year to transition from her BlackBerry to having to touch-type everything. She still uses about 10% of its capability (for example, she took a digital camera to Europe -- along with her iPhone). While I have to reboot the BB by pulling the battery about three times a week, it too has survived punishment that I expect would produce the blue screen of death on an iPhone (if it was powered by Windows).

My kids annoy the hell out of my wife to use her iPhone for games and videos on long drives. On the other hand, they have never once asked to use my BB. Could be a Dad thing, but I expect it has more to do with screen size and kewlness.

Deep down inside, my wife hates technology and NEVER reads the manual (in fact she only discovered two weeks ago that the SUV we've had since '08 has a little button on the dash that puts it in four-wheel drive). So of course I gave her an iPad for her last birthday. She is being a soldier about it, but I can feel the seething as it fails time and again to do everything her MacBook did. And I think the next time it fails to connect to the wireless printer, I will find it under a couple of feet of snow in the backyard.

The alleged downsides of the Verizon iPhone -- you can't talk on the phone while you are online, and there's no GSM, so it will be limited internationally -- are not big issues for me. What IS a big issue is if I am cool enough to become an iGuy.

iGuys are kinda like members of a secret society on a college campus, nodding imperceptibly to one another, confident that Apple products have the best designs, best operating systems and are the envy of Luddites stuck with Windows or Chrome or third-tier MP3s like Creative Zen or Sansa, not something you'd want a date to know about.

Unpacking and powering up an iPad on the commuter train or terminal seating area is akin to some complex otemae Japanese tea ceremony, undertaken with solemnity and self-importance that transcends the mere checking of email. You get the feeling that if you asked to have a look, it would be passed across the arm like a 1945 Chateau Mouton Rothschild.

When I see someone festooned with Apple products, I can't help but think of the 60-year-old guy in town who drives a Ferrari to the Food Emporium or the post office. It certainly draws the looks (followed by the slow, bewildered head shake.)

Then there is the herd mentality. As one guy at CES told the New York Times about anything Apple does: "These companies are like 6-year-olds on a soccer team. The ball goes over here, and they all run after it in a blob. 'Tablet!' 'Tablet!' 'Tablet!' "

Just as I don't deserve or want the looks drawn by the Beats, I don't think I can handle the social pressure of being an iGuy. I just want to get on and off the phone as fast as humanly possible and crack the spine of the dead-tree version of a good novel.

That's kewl enough for iMe.