Commentary
For Immediate Release: The Most Exciting News Ever!
- by Bob Garfield , Featured Columnist, November 5, 2012
Hi, Bob:
I hope this note finds you well. As you know, Tooboozoob has just received a first-round investment from Prodigal Group Venture Partners for its cutting-edge networking platform that dynamically merges demand-side data optimization with FGB inputs for maximum transparency and scalability.
In beta, the FGB matrix outperformed equivalent low-threshold file-conversion metrics both on demand-side and third-party acquisition. Real-time data disintermediation enhanced transactional “feed stimulation” and reduced signal bias by almost 30%.
We are very excited about the prospects for full integration of our proprietary network-delimiting trading applications by Q3 2013. Our CEO, Sree Gustaffson, will be in New York next week and would love a chance to introduce you to the team.
Joining Sree will be CMO Garry Dunleavy, who recently came to Tooboozoob from SKUlootions and before that DataDoo Digital and before the Dunleavy Group and before that, from November 2011 to February 2012, MicroVroom. Also eager to meet you is McKenzie Feldman-Graff, our sales lead, who has years of experience in the space, lifetime Advantage Platinum and legs up to here.
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The team would be happy to visit you at the Adweek offices or at Sree's hotel or in your colon. There is not a single thing we would not do for a little buzz, considering we are getting the daylights beaten out of us in this space by AppSeeDaisy and ScrooGeezix every single day. If you can fit us into your busy schedule, Sree will firmly shake your hand and show you our deck, which is filled with slides. His eyes will be slightly glazed and he will sometimes call you “Mike.”
We are also offering a bylined article titled “Predicting the Presidential Election with Low-threshold File Conversion Metrics Both on Demand-side and Third-party Acquisition.” Or, after Tuesday, you may be interested in another article: “Predicting the Super Bowl with Low-threshold File Conversion Metrics Both on Demand-side and Third-party Acquisition.”
We don’t care which you use. Mike, we are desperate. Tooboozoob has been funded for only 30 days and already the VCs are up Sree’s ass like suppositories in khakis. They are looking for a quick exit at terms that would make your eyeballs bleed. Tooboozoob needs publicity by any and all means. I beg you: Write about them, or if not, please call the police. Sree is beside himself. He dropped out of college to write code and, being candid, even he doesn’t understand what the hell Tooboozoob does. His burn rate is like phosphorous and he has zero social skills to fall back on. Thank God the Prius and foosball table are leased, but the company’s PR bills are 120 days past due.
Looking forward to meeting you. Once again, we are extremely excited about Tooboozoob.
Kindest regards,
Selena K. DiPietro
RightUp! Public Relations
Bob Garfield, former editor at large for MediaPost, is a long-time public radio personality who currently hosts Booksmart Studios' "Bully Pulpit" podcast. A 30-plus-year commentator on media and marketing, he is co-host of public radio's Peabody Award-winning “On the Media” program; senior fellow at Wharton Future of Advertising Program, SEI Center for Advanced Studies in Management; founder of the Media Future Summit and author of five books.
LOL- good to have a laugh in the AM- thanks Bob
I see you got the short version of the PR.
Bob Garfield, you are awesome.
Oh, this was fake? :-)
It's not tracking well by clicking "News" on Google so I'd fire Selena as first business of the day.
That is great. Very fun. Good stuff Bob!
2nd I'd send the Prius back, call Scott Monty and order up a fleet of custom wrapped 2013 Fusion Hybrids with the company logos all around.
Shorten company name to TbZb
Or better yes tBzB
As always, a great read…although I couldn't help noticing how much this sounded exactly like the email I sent to you a few weeks ago – only we don’t use a PR firm. ;-)
Translate to tweet, plz. I'm biz-e.
So Bob, when are you launching your stand-up routine, perhaps delivered to a PRSA, AMA or VC gathering?
Meanwhile, at the RightUp! offices:
Sree? Regina. Garfield is a bust - but forget him. New plan...we are going to repurpose these into a series of articles on Forbes and Fortune as a "Featured Author." Then we are going to distribute our articles across millions of Publishers through Outbrain and social networks. All the credibility of Forbes, a much bigger audience that we control, and a lot less attitude. They call it Content Marketing. Forget the gatekeepers - the gate may be up, but the walls came crashing down years ago.
I am willing to wager that, for the first several paragraphs, half the readership hadn't yet caught on.
"The team would be happy to visit you at the Adweek offices or at Sree's hotel or in your colon."
In my experience, most visits in the colon don't go very well, regardless of "maximum transparency and scalability" or "feed stimulation."
Just sayin'... ;-)
This sounded so much like the email pitches I get every day that it took me a while to realize it was a joke.
They forgot to say how excited they were, and how much they knew your readers would want to know about this important story.
Thanks for a Monday morning giggle.
oh wait! they did say they were excited. that's one of my favorites that occurs in 9 out of 10 releases and pitches.
And they forgot the infographic. no pitch is complete without one these days.
The worst part of this is that I have had clients that insisted on this kind of nonsense after trying like hell to talk them out of it. Perhaps they will listen to you.
No, George, the worst part is that it's all too true.
Loved it! Will be sharing this. Too bad the people who need to "get it" won't see themselves if/when they read this.
Tears of laughter were streaming down my face while reading this. But as George Simpson commented, some companies will insist on putting out this type of jibberish jargon. If they do, walk away - you're damaging your/agency's reputation sending anything remotely similar to this fake PR. Bob, it is a send up, correct? The only place for this type of language is in buzzword bingo.
I don't see any MetricsINSIDER regulars chiming in. Go figure.
The only thing missing is "HI BOB!"
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