• by Bob Garfield , Featured Columnist, September 7, 2015

The kids are back in school, ragweed and 24 presidential hopefuls are in the air, we’re already at G in the tropical-storm alphabet. Fall must be on its way. Which means it’s also time for our semiannual meditation on thoughtful, discriminating, professional public relations.

For instance, this item would have been quite a help to me if I were on the media, marketing and organic-swill beat:

Think Keurig but for Vegan & Organic Grass-fed Protein

Breakthrough beverage technology company PODlife is excited to launch their Kickstarter campaign. Their innovative patent-pending beverage and delivery system allows consumers to enjoy high quality, vegan and organic grass-fed whey protein while on the go without having to measure the portions.  

The fact is, though, I’ve more or less neglected whey-protein news for my entire 38-year career. So I must graciously decline. No, Ben Acott, I won’t “think Keurig.” I’ll think: “spam, but for vegan & organic grass-fed protein.” Just curious… did you pay someone for a list with my name on it? Who? Did their sales pitch begin with “My Dear Friend, My name is Mr. Johnson Emmanuel, I am a senior partner (Attorney) in the firm of Emmanuel Consults Inc: Private Investigators, Security Consultants and Financial Managers?”

By the same token:

Dear Bob Fuldauer of Turn To Productions:

Regrets. Though it may indeed have been “the perfect celebration of summer on the Gulf Coast,” I did not cover the Texas City Kite Festival. Again, just wondering….where did you get my email address? Was it from the guy with the vegan smoothies? If it was, can the three of us hop on a conference call, because I’d like to reciprocate? Yes, I have some mind-blowing news for y’all. Aw, what the heck, I’ll share it now. Ready?

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE 

Chester, N.Y. Commercial Driver Receives National Award for Safe and Exemplary Service

Alan Baltimore Named 2015 Driver of the Year by National Waste & Recycling Association

LAS VEGAS (June 2, 2015) – Alan Baltimore, a driver for Action Environmental Group in Chester, N.Y., received a Driver of the Year Award from the National Waste & Recycling Association (NWRA) at a special awards ceremony today in Las Vegas.

I got that smoking-hot tip from Jessica Mayorga of the National Waste & Recycling Association. Do you guys know her? You all seem to have the same targeting strategy -- although I noted her outfit subscribes to Meltwater, a “media intelligence” vendor that promises to “Connect with key influencers. Drive conversations in any channel.”

Like this conversation, I suppose. Boom! Earned media!

Meltwater must have some sort of cutting-edge artificial intelligence and wicked data-mining skills, because they somehow also divined my intense interest in the K-Vape Micro DX handheld vaporizer "The story is LIVE so please so please let me know by 12PM PST 5/7 to learn more about how it works! - Thanks! David") and almost clairvoyantly, this media-marketing blockbuster:

Allegiancy successfully refinances Fairfax Building in Richmond

Asset manager delivers attractive results for owners

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

RICHMOND, VA. -  Allegiancy, a commercial real estate asset manager, has successfully closed a $16.5 million refinancing of the Fairfax Building in Richmond.

This transaction demonstrates the benefits of Allegiancy’s proactive approach to asset management. By refinancing now, Allegiancy is minimizing exposure to future tenant expirations and taking advantage of currently favorable capital markets.   Beyond extending the maturity date of the mortgage, the refinancing also frees up nearly $500,000 in annual cash flow.

Stop the presses! We got a commercial re-fi to report! 

It’s almost creepy, like those contextual ads that seem to be reading over your shoulder. How did they suss out my reporting obsession with 171,165-square-foot 8-story office complexes, home to SunTrust Bank and the Fertility Institute of Virginia? You can’t help wonder along the lines of Senator Howard Baker about Nixon and his cronies back during Watergate: What did they know, and when did they know it?

My inbox just overflows with journalistic opportunities that correlate not at all with even one of my many thousands of stories since 1977. Yet they have some crazy sixth sense of what will get my attention. And on that subject, my pièce de résistance:

The Elator will exhibit for the First Time at SHE Expo 2015 in New York

The Elator Company will expand its reach at the trade show of sexual health expo at the Millennium Broadway Hotel in New York this September…..The Elator is voted as the #1 alternative to any ED enhancers, ED pills, penis sleeves, vacuum pumps and invasive surgery. It is made in the USA with FDA approved medical grade silicone and offers zero side effects. It provides the ability to perform full quality & immediate intercourse without an erection.

Calvin Stone writes: “Thank you for consideration to publish this.” OK, Calvin. Happy to. In fact, elated.