• by George Simpson , Featured Contributor, May 7, 2020

There has been a fair amount of dark humor about the pandemic (mostly about how much it sucks to be housebound — and anything about Zoom). But it’s hard to find anything funnier than the news that a conspiracy theory — which claims that 5G internet is behind the coronavirus outbreak — has led to arson attacks on more than 70 cell phone towers in the U.K.

Nothing satisfies like blaming an inanimate object for spreading the virus. Since 5G is still pretty much a pipe dream, targeting those particular towers seems a waste of good firebombs. Especially since the best you can hope for is that cell towers cause brain cancer and/or deform children whose schools are within three or four miles of those towers. Where is Alex Jones when you need him?

Not surprisingly, our idiot president is pressing the notion that China probably released COVID-19 as an attack on the American people and our economy. It makes just about as much sense as blaming cell towers.  And is a transparent attempt to shift blame from the administration’s ass-dragging fighting the pandemic. 

It has been an education watching the far right (armed as if they were about to go over the top in The Great War) try to intimidate legislators into ignoring all the very clear warnings from the medical and scientific communities and reopen their right to have a beer and shoot pool in a tavern.  It would be great if they would all head to somewhere like the Darlington 500 so they can cross-infect each other until they beg the authorities for medical help (this time not at gunpoint).  

But blaming cell towers lacks imagination, doesn’t it? Look around, there are much more suspect objects that are probably crawling with the virus — just waiting. I am personally highly suspicious of the following:

Hand sanitizer: There is not a victim of COVID-19 who isn’t always surrounded by hand sanitizer. It is the perfect medium to move from body to body, since folks are constantly covered in it. Let’s burn the CEO of Purell at the stake!

Takeout meals: Into each plastic dish of chicken piccata, infected, underpaid kitchen workers are dropping a tiny drop of drool. They also lick the cookies and brownies.  If you don’t think this is happening, you have never worked in a commercial kitchen.

NCAA: They cancel March Madness and 75,000 people die. Coincidence? I think not!

Netflix:  If you click on the RomCom tab on Netflix, it sends an electronic coronavirus back at your remote and into your fingers.  If you watch movies with Russian soldiers or Navy Seals in them, they protect you from infection.  Who would you rather have on your side right now: Hugh Grant or Max Thieriot*?

Face masks: Nobody I know wears a face mask. Nobody I know has COVID-19. Wearing one makes it look like the local grocery store has been overrun by armed robbers. Even  doctors don’t want to wear those things time after time. 

The media:  Can there be any doubt that excess coverage of the pandemic is a cover for making sure everyone in American gets the virus?You keep watching Stephanie Gosk reporting from her basement or living room, and your days are numbered. If you get stopped for a man-in-the-street interview, run like hell, don’t look back and try to find one of those armed white supremacists for protection.

*Star of CBS show "SEAL Team."