For most of us, 2020 has been the most traumatic and stressful year of our lives. Between the pandemic (which ain’t going anywhere anytime soon), the economic collapse, the uncertainty of what That Idiot in the White House will do or say to further screw up domestic policies and foreign relations, and the wrenching national reexamination of systemic racism following George Floyd’s death, we are all exhausted and a little bit scared.
There are conflicting predictions about just how fragile the economic situation is and how long it will take for those +30 million jobs to come back. And don’t cancel the streaming services you got during the self-quarantine — not just yet. If you see toilet paper, buy it.
While visions of a contested presidential election dance in our heads, we wonder what else could still happen this year. Here are some predictions:
The networks and brands start building something of a Maginot Line, the brands on Madison Avenue, the nets on Sixth Avenue -- and declare Fifth Avenue no man’s land. Asked how the situation escalated so dramatically, ANA CEO Bob Liodice says, “I guess the networks know we are serious about moving the annual upfront from a spring/early summer marketplace to the fourth quarter. Nothing makes the point like a few hours of mortars and artillery every night.”
Having laid off all of their communication execs, the networks have no response, but are furtively reinforcing their bunkers and tank traps. The White House takes credit.
Awakened by the testing of Russia’s nuclear torpedoes, Godzilla rises from the sea and once again lays waste to Tokyo. Exhausted since it is a much bigger city than it was in the ‘60s, Godzilla tells Mothra and Rodan to take over while he naps for a few days. But because he couldn’t wear a face mask while lighting up Shibuya, Godzilla gets COVID-19 and is currently on a ventilator. The White House takes credit.
At Bohemian Grove this year (where CEOs bring assistant VPs for public affairs to breathe for them), former McDonald’s CEO Don Thompson, the first black person to hold that job, comes out of retirement to explain to Mark Zuckerberg and Warren Buffett how their fortunes were made in part because of economic racism. He embarrasses both into making $1 billion grants to organizations that support black-owned businesses. The White House takes credit.
Advertisers jump headlong into streaming services until consumers say that seeing the same ads four times an hour while bingeing on a series is really pissing them off. When brands move back to linear TV, the White House takes credit.
The police in six major U.S. cities quit in a mass protest. In those cities the crime rate nosedives, as citizens start obeying the laws to show it's possible to flourish in a non-police state. When cops invite white supremacists to stir up trouble, they refuse — declaring, “Hell, it was you guys we hated.” The White House takes credit.
Russia spends $8.5 billion in disinformation ads to try and get their Idiot in the White House reelected. It fails, but Putin says, “It wasn’t us!”
Biden wins in the single most one-sided vote in American history.
The White House takes credit.