• by Les Luchter , Staff Writer, March 9, 2023

Let’s say you’re an up-and-coming healthcare or “wellness” brand that wants to garner some buzz around the Oscars.

You could spend $1.9 million for a 30-second commercial during Sunday’s ABC broadcast, according to WalletHub. Last year’s ceremonies would have put your ad before 13.7 million viewers.

Or you could spend between $4,000 and $35,000 (per Forbes) to target just 27 people -- all the acting and directing nominees, plus host Jimmy Kimmel -- with free samples of your product.

Then, you cross your fingers and hope that at least one of those 27 like your swag enough to mention it or be seen using it in the days to come.

Entertainment marketing company Distinctive Assets has been putting together its “Everyone Wins” gift bags for the past two decades, with Forbes reporting this year’s total bag to be worth $126,000.

“Most of the brands we include are from a diverse and inclusive array of small businesses who meaningfully benefit from the global exposure that being associated with Hollywood's Biggest Night affords them,” Distinctive Assets founder Lash Fary said in a press release.

The use of the term “Hollywood’s Biggest Night” should cue you in to the fact that, as with companies forced to refer to the Super Bowl as “The Big Game,” the “Everyone Wins” bags have no official connection with the Oscars. Unlike gift bags that you might leave an event with, these bags aren’t given out at the Dolby Theater itself, but are instead delivered right to each celebrity’s home. And finally, and this should come as no surprise considering dozens of freebies are involved, there’s no actual bag!

That said, Pharma & Health Insider culled through this year’s swag list to see exactly which products of a healthcare nature might soon be used by Steven Spielberg, Cate Blanchett and the other celebs.

We’re scratching our head on which actress Sweetums expects to use its flavored intimate wipes (which can help by “spicing things up in the bedroom,” the company claims).  But, then again, who knows anything about controversial dark horse Best Actress nominee Adrea Risebourough?

If you notice any actress nominees covering up her arms, may we suggest Art Lipo’s “Celebrity Arms Sculpting” liposuction procedure, which is valued at $12,000 (all monetary values come from Forbes)?

Also worth $12,000: a firmer skin gift from Oxygenetix, consisting of a year’s supply of foundation and sealer plus an in-person microneedling treatment.

If you see Judd Hirsch looking younger in a few months, perhaps he will have taken advantage of a $10,000 facial rejuvenation procedure from New York plastic surgeon Konstantin Vasyukevich.

And how we wish Gywnth Paltrow was a nominee. She's the owner of Goop, which sells everything from nutritional supplements to a rose quart egg meant to facilitate vaginal Kegel-like exercises. So she might be thrilled to getReflect’s hand-held orb device, a biofeedback product that measures and analyzes your body’s physiological signals, meant to be “your personal companion on the journey to holistic wellbeing.”

"By the way, since we’re talking Hollywood here, we would suggest that Reflect somehow arrange a 50^th anniversary tie-in with Woody Allen’s 1973 sci-fi comedy “Sleeper,” whose own hand-held orb looks, if not acts, similarly.

If any of the younger actress nominees sports a baby bump in the next few months, we’re going to credit the gift bag’s inclusion of Beli’s vitality and fertility supplements.

We could go on and on, since by our count, there are still 11 other health-related products to go, not even including health-touted foods and rejuvenating vacations.

Instead we’ll let Fary have the last word: "These nominees are in a unique position to help participating brands immeasurably by simply wearing, using and talking about these products. Marketing and advertising can and must co-exist with the ever-present reporting of bad news globally. This isn't frivolity; it is basic economics."