• by Adam Buckman , Featured Columnist, August 15, 2024

It was the moment the world was waiting for: ABC’s announcement on Tuesday of the 24 golden guys who will vie this fall for the hand of ‘Golden’ bachelorette Joan Vassos.

“The Golden Bachelorette” figures to be the fall season’s hottest show, and possibly its most ridiculous too. But from such concepts are TV hits made.

The two dozen, aging Adonises who are coming to ABC to woo the woman of the hour range in age from 57 to 69. They come from all over the U.S., from Massachusetts to California.

None of the golden bachelors are identified in ABC’s press release with their last names. Only two are identified with their last initials because they are two of three bachelors named Charles.

The three Charleses are: Charles K., 62, a portfolio manager from Rancho Palos Verdes, California; Charles L., a retired financial analyst from Philadelphia; and Charles (“Chock”) (no last initial and for some reason, not “Chuck”), 60, an insurance executive from Wichita, Kansas.

In addition to Charles L. above, six others are described as “retired”: William (“Bill”), 68, a retired videographer from Portland, Oregon; Gary, 65, a retired finance executive from Palm Desert, California; Gregg, 64, a retired university VP from Longboat Key, Florida; Kim, 69, a retired navy captain from Seattle; Michael, 65, a retired banking CEO from Denver, North Carolina; and Pablo, 63, a retired UN agency director from Cambridge, Maryland.

Besides Charles K. from Rancho Palos Verdes and Gary from Palm Desert, four others are from California: Robert (“Bob”), 66, a chiropractor from Marina Del Rey; Gil, 60, an educator from Mission Viejo; Ralph (“RJ”), 66, a financial advisor from Irvine; and Keith, 62, a “girl dad” from San Jose.

Three contestants are from Chicago: caterer John (“Jack”), 68; sales manager Jordan, 61; and salon owner Pascal, 69.

From the New York area comes contractor Christopher, 64, from West Babylon in Suffolk County, Long Island; and Thomas, 62, a fire department chief from New York City.

Retired Navy captain Kim is one of two service veterans. The other is U.S. Army vet Mark, 57*, from Leesville, Louisiana.

Rounding out the remaining five senior suitors are: Daniel (“Dan”), 64, a private investor from Naples, Florida; David, 68, a rancher from Austin; Guy, 66, an ER doctor from Reno, Nevada; Jonathan, 61, a shipping consultant from Oakland, Iowa; and Kenneth (“Ken”), 60, a property investment treasurer from Peabody, Massachusetts.

*A couple of questions: What is a 57-year-old guy doing here? And, what’s a “girl dad”? Sorry, I’m not always up on these things.

I have no answer to the question of the 57-year-old, who seems to be a little young to be considered “golden.” 

As for “girl dad,” Google’s AI says a girl dad is “a father who has a daughter or daughters, especially if he only has daughters. … [He] is a gentleman who treats his daughter with respect and wants her to have the same opportunities and rights as boys.” Alrighty then.

What will Ms. Vassos’ criteria be for picking one of these male cougar companions to spend the rest of her life with (unless she and her new husband call it quits in three months like “Golden Bachelor” Gerry Turner and his short-term wife Theresa Nist)?

For openers, Vassos is from Rockville, Maryland, so Pablo from Cambridge, Maryland, may have an inside track.

Vassos is a woman who apparently values family and by the looks of it, seeks to be near them.

She was one of the bachelorettes of “The Golden Bachelor” and for a time seemed to have the inside track for the hand of Gerry Turner.

But that was up until she left the show in midseason last October to rush back east to support a daughter with a serious health issue. “Once a mother, always a mother,” she said at the time.

Or perhaps she will be attracted by the enticing retirement communities being offered by some of the golden guys -- Longboat Key and Naples in Florida, for example, and Palm Desert in California.

Maybe Vassos will gravitate to the any one of the six men in finance. Or perhaps a caterer might feed her food fancy. 

Or as the mother of a daughter, Girl Dad might emerge as the perfect match for Vassos, as long as he agrees to move from San Jose to Rockville.

“The Golden Bachelorette” premieres on Wednesday, September 18, on ABC.