• by Adam Buckman , Featured Columnist, January 7, 2025

The standout star of CBS’s prime-time revival of “Hollywood Squares” is without a doubt Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, the world’s canniest canine comedian.

In the show’s premiere this Wednesday, Triumph occupies the coveted upper-left square in the show’s famous tic-tac-toe grid, the same prestigious position as Marcia in the famed title sequence of "The Brady Bunch.”

For CBS, it is a triumph of celebrity casting. Of unknown breed, Triumph is America’s Everydog, the pugnacious pooch who courageously says what everybody else is thinking -- dog or human -- but would never say out loud.

From the outset of Episode One, Triumph marks his territory as the show’s top dog. The producers gave him the first word, and he takes up the opportunity in trademark fashion to mercilessly poke fun at Drew Barrymore, one of the other participants on the show.

“I love this show and I am so happy to see Drew here because it means she’s not out somewhere filming ‘Fever Pitch 2’!” says Triumph, who is apparently no fan of Barrymore’s 2005 comedy, “Fever Pitch,” about the Boston Red Sox.

Then it was on to other targets: Tyra Banks’ hair and comedian Jeff Ross’ shaved head. “Seriously, what did you do with the hair, Tyra?” Triumph asks. “Can you please give it to Jeff Ross? For God’s sake, the man looks like Vin Diesel got lead poisoning!”

He even takes on Kim Kardashian, who isn’t even there. This is in response to a trivia question from the show’s host.

“Playing a sassy publicist named Siohban, Kim Kardashian took on her first major acting role in what TV series?” the host asks.

“Oh, yes, I know this one! The show ‘Everybody Loves Ray J.’!” says Triumph, referring to the infamous sex video that went public in 2007 in which Kim K. was seen getting intimate with “Ray J,” brother of pop star Brandy Norwood.

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog first came to prominence back in 1997 with the first of many appearances on “Late Night With Conan O’Brien” on NBC.

Since then, he has contributed his acid-laced wit to countless TV shows and events, most notably, dog shows and political conventions.

At the MTV Music Video Awards in 2002, he was roughly shoved away from Eminem by the rap star’s bodyguards. 

Triumph, wearing a neck brace from the injuries he sustained, bravely appeared the very next day on the Conan O’Brien show where he conducted a news conference about the incident.

Today, Triumph is TV’s reigning Merchant of Venom, a dog with the biggest cigar in show business and an oversized gold bowtie.

The rest of the grid’s occupants on the new “Hollywood Squares” are all there too. But to apply Triumph’s best-known phrase to the situation, they are there for one reason only -- for him to poop on!

“Hollywood Squares” premieres on Thursday, January 9, with two back-to-back, half-hour episodes at 8 p.m. and 8:30 p.m. Eastern on CBS.