• by George Simpson , Featured Contributor, June 4, 2004

America's Army, the online shooting game, has apparently been so successful in attracting not only players (3.4 million since 2002), but actual recruits, that the Army is launching some new marketing/recruiting games--this time highlighting the elite Special Forces.

If a video game can attract highly qualified new hires for the military when they stand a fair chance of being shipped into the arms of Iraqis who express their gratitude with car bombs and RPG attacks, perhaps other struggling industries should give online gaming the once-over. Some games sure to work:

Magazines 2004 - Join the editors of US, People, and whatever it is that Bonnie Fuller edits on a search for the elusive first photographic evidence of Julia Roberts' pregnancy. Armed with telephoto lens and secret bidding funds, sneak up on known vacation spots and second homes, awaiting the precise moment to click. Along the way, earn Graydon Carter dollars for converting your editorial into another medium. Watch out for those Circulation Audit-atons, which can wipe out your management team. Play the online game and win an experience of a lifetime.

Ad Agency Warriors 4 - The Goodyear account has vanished, you haven't made rain in six months, and the partners wonder aloud why you went to Cannes. Mark Dacey and David Bentley aren't returning your calls. Your BlackBerry never buzzes and Julian Niccolini has forgotten where your table was. Your only hope? Become a player in the Lost World of Advertising. Discover why no one is posting responses to the 4As blog. Uncover what happened to Advertising Digital Identification, which Burtch Drake said "will revolutionize the industry the way the UPC code revolutionized the grocery business." Find out why Advertising Week really dropped "a black-tie awards ceremony Sept. 22 to honor creativity in the advertising industry." Who knows--maybe you'll find out creativity itself has gone missing.

NBC Unleashed - Your assignment, should you decide to accept it, is to venture across the Wide World of Sports collecting the most boring--but least expensive--sports to televise. Sign a long-term deal with Notre Dame and watch the team go 6-5, struggling to beat perennial NCAA doormat Navy. Start smarmy XFL, but cut losses early--falling back on Arena Football, which hasn't produced excitement since Kurt Warner and brags that attendance averaging 12,024 a game is at an all-time high. Alienate your dinner partners with the results of NASCAR races. Top it off by giving the NHL three tickets to Saturday Night Live for broadcast rights next year. Laugh all the way to the bank.

Online Fantasy X-2 - Can you live only online? Try and see. Sell your inventory of 21 million DigiMouses on eBay as "Relics of a Lost Dot-com Era." Read the Google S1 and kick yourself for dismissing search three years ago as "hard to monetize." Speak only in the Online Tongue, saying things like "traction," "seamless," "friction," "behavioral," and "optimize." Smile at VCs and ask them why you didn't get Christmas cards for the last three years. Tell your friends and family, "this time for sure!"

Grand Theft Auto Newspapers - Disguise yourself as a dysfunctional family and deny all the flashing warning signs. Look out! Better-educated readers are abandoning the newspaper habit. Dead ahead! The cliff off which your circulation has fallen. Danger! Classifieds moving online. Warning! No kids in sight. Your plan? Invoke the family tradition, stay the course, lose credibility with fictitious reporting, tell Vin Crosbie to take a hike!