January 25, 2023
Commentary
The Candidates: A Side By Side Comparison
- by George Simpson , Featured Contributor, February 11, 2004
The Candidates: A Side By Side Comparison
Now that the 2004 Presidential race appears to have shaken out to two players, it is time to get serious about comparing them: 24's David Palmer vs. West Wing's Jed Bartlet.
| Bartlet | Palmer |
| Professional training | |
| economist | lawyer |
| If you were having a dinner party and your wife suggested inviting an economist, you'd lobby hard to have him seated at the opposite end of the table from you. On the other hand, if she suggested a lawyer (unless it was your own), you'd ask to be seated in the basement with the kids playing Grand Theft Auto: Advantage: Bartlet | |
| Advanced degree from | |
| London School of Economics | University of Maryland |
| A couple of years ago the Terps came close to winning national championships in both football and basketball. The LSE probably has a cricket or a fencing team, neither of which could squeeze a space on ESPN 2 even if Janet Jackson did lap dances at halftime: Advantage: Palmer | |
| Job before President | |
| Governor of New Hampshire | Senator from Maryland |
| Wasn't it the Baltimore docks where the Greek mob shipped in a bunch of prostitutes, then let them die in a container last season on The Wire? And wasn't that very same city the setting for Homicide: Life on the Streets? Clearly, there is something rotten in Maryland. Meanwhile, nothing ever happens in New Hampshire, largely because most people can't find it on the map: Advantage: Bartlet | |
| Family situation | |
| Married, children | divorced, children |
| While Bartlet's wife seems to be a royal pain in the butt, overreacting to things like their daughter getting kidnapped (what did they expect, letting her date a smarmy French guy?), ON THE OTHER HAND, at least crabby Mrs./Dr. Bartlet didn't try to overthrow her husband's government just because he wouldn't start a war. Divorce? What happened to capital punishment for treason? Advantage: Bartlet | |
| Sports | |
| Basketball & Tennis & Chess | Basketball |
| Anybody who plays chess is a weenie, and you wouldn't want to let them anywhere near the launch codes. So let's talk hoops. Bartlet is a short, pudgy white guy who has about a 4.5-inch vertical leap, can't cross over on his drive, and probably has a two-handed set shot from the foul line. Palmer, according to the FOX Website, was not only an All American hoopster--he was NCAA Player of the Year. It didn't help his campaign when Dick Vitale kept calling him a "diaper dandy": Advantage: Palmer | |
| Staff | |
| Mixed | weird |
| What can be said about a White House that has Ernestine/Edith Ann as the President's personal secretary, an alcoholic chief of staff, and won't find Donna a boyfriend? Only that it's better than a staff with a philandering brother who thinks Jack Bauer is up to no good. Geez, didn't he see last season when Jack saved the world? Not to mention Palmer's trigger-happy Cabinet! Advantage: Bartlet | |
| Annoying asides | |
| Getting bitch-slapped by various Congresspersons | In trouble ALL the time |
| Despite clearly being the smartest guy on the planet, Bartlet still manages to get out-maneuvered on legislative affairs by congresspersons and staff girlfriends. Palmer, on the other hand, is a trouble magnet--showing up in the terrorist's target cities, and bothering the Counter Terrorism Units when they are trying to save his butt. Advantage: Bartlet | |
| Other factors that could swing votes | |
| Zoe C.J. Cregg Charlie Will Bailey | Kim Bauer Nina Myers The Virus Michelle Dessler |
| Advantage: Toss Up | |
| Likely Outcome | |
| Bartlet will lose the female vote because he let Rob Lowe get away and yelled at Mary-Louise Parker. Palmer will play big in the black and Hispanic communities because he made it to the White House in the first place. Bartlet's support of Israel and having a Jewish White House Director of Communications will play well in New York and Miami. But in the end, the only people who vote are older people, so both will be defeated when Delores Landingham arises from the grave and runs on an AARP-funded platform of health care and prescription benefits for the elderly. Josh will marry Donna; Leo McGarry will reconcile with his wife and babies; Bartlet will die from MS; Palmer will die from sleeping with Nina Myers; Kim will marry Chase; and both networks will toss in the towel and buy reruns of MI5 from the BBC. | |
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