• by George Simpson , Featured Contributor, November 2, 2007

One of the downsides of holding a live TV press conference is that the speaker is often asked "off-message" questions by annoying reporters who aren't satisfied with The Truth As I Have Just Told It To You. FEMA, having been body-slammed and put in the sleeper-hold for its languorous response to Katrina, was taking no chances last week when it came time to brief the nation on its activities in conjunction with wildfires in southern California. The agency held a press conference replacing those annoying reporters with its own PR people, who appeared on camera lobbing softball questions to their boss. The on-the-record rationale? "They didn't have time to wait for real reporters to come to their office near the U.S. Capitol."

 

That this was wrong on so many levels, yet still perpetrated by FEMA, only reinforces the pervasive public view that the agency is a perpetually foundering ship of fools. On the other hand, I know any number of private sector CEOs who would simply adore this concept.

Question: Mr. Murdoch, now that you've had some time with MySpace, are you successfully monetizing it with advertising?

Answer: Hell, yes.
Question: Awesome. Kudos, big guy.

Question: Mr. O'Neal, did Merrill Lynch show you the door because you were off by $3 billion in your estimate of the firm's subprime loan liability?

Answer: No, I'm out because I am a proud black man in a corporate culture dominated by white devils.
Question: Word.

Question: Mr. Calacanis, why do you always seem to get in fights with other people?

Answer: Because I am misunderstood.
Question: Oh, you poor, poor boy. Do you really have a Black Belt?
Answer: Well, look, it's holding up my pants at this very moment.

Question: Mr. Zucker are we (whoops, sorry, I mean "are you") ranked fourth in the network ratings because the system to measure the number of viewers is inaccurate?

Answer: Yes. If we were able to add to our audience count out-of-home viewers (especially baked college students), time-shifted viewers, folks who left the newspaper draped over their People Meters, families who forgot to accurately record what shows they watched last week in their diaries, online viewers, soldiers in Iraq, guys who stand outside of retailers and watch the flatscreens in the window displays, viewers who surf over to us during commercials breaks on the other networks, and bartenders on our payroll, we'd move up at least a notch, or maybe two.

Question: Mr. Graham, why did you give 94,300 shares of Washington Post company stock to your wife--a gift worth more than $77 million?

Answer: She doesn't like Godiva.

Question: Mr. Feinstein, why did you characterize Rick Reilly's move from Sports Illustrated to ESPN, "the so-called mag, as leaving The Four Seasons to check into a Hampton Inn?"

Answer: Because I think Motel 6 has lost its cachet.

Question: Mr. Page, since Google now has a market value of nearly $220 billion, and your stake now exceeds $20 billion, why do you still work?

Answer: I got to the scene where the derelict hulk of the ship is floating toward an astronomically large sphere covered in mechanical patterns like those on the outside of the Halo rings. So I went back to the office.

 

The story you have just read is an attempt to blend fact and fiction in a manner that provokes thought, and on a good day, merriment. It would be ill-advised to take any of it literally. Take it, rather, with the same humor with which it is intended. Cut and paste or link to it at your own peril.