• by George Simpson , Featured Contributor, June 20, 2008

In an effort to bring some fiduciary order to the chaos that is the Internet--where extensive quoting and even copying of entire news articles is common--The Associated Press said it will attempt to define how much of its articles and broadcasts bloggers and Web sites can excerpt without infringing on the AP's copyright. The notion of "fair use" is vague to begin with, so the AP must draw a line somewhere between allowing reviewers to appropriate some of its copy and bloggers who post entire AP stories to attract traffic.

While this has freeloaders up in arms, threatening to tie up in court whatever decision AP makes for the next couple of decades or so, one has to sympathize with the world's largest newsgathering organization. It pays to have stories reported, written and edited, but an increasingly smaller percentage of publishers--if in fact that's what bloggers are--are paying no restitution to the AP.

The only solution for the AP is to simply hold back. Thus, these future stories:

Atlanta (AP) - The Centers for Disease Control announced today the worst food contamination in American history, warning citizens to immediately stop consuming this particular food that has already killed tens of thousands across the nation. "This is far deadlier than hemorrhagic fever or the Black Plague," said the CDC in a statement given to the AP. "This could be the end of civilization as we know it."

Seattle (AP) - In the largest merger in American corporate history, a bunch of geeky guys who are already filthy rich will soon be disgustingly wealthy when they receive the proceeds from their merger with this really big media company based about 3,000 miles to the east. "Frackin' A," says the chairman of the geeky company--"Who cares if gas prices go to $25 a gallon?"

Omaha (AP) - In one of the most dramatic finishes in College World Series baseball history, this one team came back from 10 runs behind in the bottom of the ninth to beat this other team, whose players are pretty down about the whole thing.

New York (AP) - A really major agency guy who everyone thought was going to be the next CEO left yesterday to join the clergy. "Never saw the guy in a church in 30 years," said this other really important agency guy who you'd know in a heartbeat. "I mean, I heard him praying to win accounts, or for choppy flights to land safely, but never in a million years did I see this coming."

Washington (AP) - The most powerful man in the world yesterday announced something REALLY important about Iraq. It was about ending the war in the next 30 days or so, as long as this thing or that thing happened. Thousands of Armed Services families wished that the AP had broader fair-use rules, since they have enough details to be hopeful, but not enough to take down the yellow ribbons.

Los Angeles (AP) - One of the biggest banks in the world admitted yesterday that it has been skimming dollars off customer accounts--especially those of the elderly and less educated--for nearly 40 years, producing additional profits of over $2 billion annually. The bank, known very well to AP reporters who have covered it regularly, says unless someone rats them out, they won't parse out makegoods to customers. "We were only enhancing shareholder value," said the bank's senior VP of communications.

New York (AP) - During a panel discussion at an advertising industry event, one woman who everyone in the industry knows called another a "whore" for apparently having slept with the first one's husband during a business trip to Cannes. An audience of nearly 500 fell silent as the accused shouted back... (for the complete story, click here and pay $2).

The story you have just read is an attempt to blend fact and fiction in a manner that provokes thought and, on a good day, merriment. It would be ill-advised to take any of it literally. Take it, rather, with the same humor with which it is intended. Cut and paste or link to it at your own peril.