#HeterosexualPrideDay Should Totally Be A Thing, No, Really

As a gay man, I will be the first to admit that I’m not a huge fan of some aspects of LGBTQIAetc. advocacy.

I don’t really dig the rainbow flag — unless the decorator in question happens to be a 12-year-old girl, in which case, go right ahead — and I’m not sure I’m comfortable with trumpeting one of the seven deadly sins as the overarching theme of the movement – although it definitely beats out “Gay Wrath” and “Gay Sloth” day.

Still, as a minority group that continues to face discrimination, bigotry and violence, I recognize the need for all of us to affirm our collective identity/ies in a public fashion, as well as celebrate the progress that’s been made. Also, it happily creates an occasion for sympathetic folks from the mainstream to show their love and support.

And if there’s music, dancing, and public intoxication into the deal, all the better I say!

Of course, like any other time a minority group draws attention to itself, some people make a great show of not getting it.

One of the most common facile, not-nearly-as-clever-as-they’d-like-to-think responses is the “turnaround.” The “thinking” typically goes: “Hey, if ‘you guys’ have X, why can’t we have X too?” Thus: “If there’s a Black History Month, why can’t we have a White History Month?” ask people who probably don’t know anything about history, period. And so on.

In the latest tedious iteration of this very tedious game, some people took to social media on Wednesday to proclaim June 29 “Heterosexual Pride Day,” a special day when over 90% of the population can celebrate being exactly who everyone expected them to be.

While it probably started as a joke, in keeping with our humorless times, it quickly morphed into a real thing, inevitably with reference to politics and all kinds of other dumb shit.

But I say, let’s do it! Everyone deserves a day to celebrate some salient aspect of their personality, and if being attracted to the opposite sex is the most interesting thing about you, then, God help us, you need to get out in the street and shout about it.

Seriously, there’s a lot of stuff for heterosexuals to be proud of. First things first: they’ve filled the world with people – tons, and tons, and tons of people. And they’ve accomplished this unalloyed good in the face of some serious obstacles, including the fact that the two main wings of the movement freely admit they don’t understand or even particularly like each other.

(They say they do in mixed company, but everyone knows this is just political.)

On that note, and in the spirit of dredging up painful facts everyone would rather not talk about, it may be worthwhile reviewing some of straight men and women’s top gripes about each other, according to that unimpeachable source of objective information: the Internet!

Per The Huffington Post, which surveyed marriage counselors about the plight of straight men, their top complaint about women is – get this – that they complain too much! Also, they think their wives are boring, but at the same time suspect their wives think they’re boring too.

Men also want to have more sex – what’s the point of building and maintaining a whole fragile identity around sex and then not having it? Finally, men are also tired of being the “bad cop” in the parenting routine, despite the fact that they are much better at being angry.

Separately, Redbook asked women what their top complaints about men are, and oh boy.

They don’t help out around the house, they don’t know anything about their own children, they’re always playing video games, they drink too much, their parents are intolerable, they eat crap, they’re sex maniacs, they spend way too much money on shit they don’t need, and they never show appreciation for the things women do for them.

But wait, there’s more. Per women surveyed by eHarmony, they talk about doing stuff, but never actually deliver, they come on too strong and then lie about their willingness to commit. They’re possessive and jealous, they’re egocentric and narcissistic, they behave like children, they look at other women all the time, they never want to do anything fun, and they’re mama’s boys.

Actually, maybe we should start calling it “Heterosexual Just Let It Slide Day.”

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