• by George Simpson , Featured Contributor, January 5, 2017

Back when I used to run panels of Newsweek editors who were periodically uncaged to impress advertisers, we used to have a rule about predictions. You could give a number — say, "The Dow will reach 20,000..." -- but never give a specific date, increasing the odds that the prognosticator might somehow be right.

Regardless, no one ever stood up and said, "You know, last year you said xxxx, and that never happened." Which is the great thing about forecasting the future in this space: Nobody ever remembers if you were right or wrong. So in that spirit, here are Over The Line's Fearless Forecasts for the Ad Biz v2017.

Verizon will expand its digital holdings by buying Netscape, My Space, Prodigy, GovWorks and Pets.com, proclaiming that it "now has the reach of Facebook, but with greater marketing transparency." Underemployed ad clickers in Mumbai, Chennai and Bangalore celebrate by killing the fatted calf.

Linear television inventory finally becomes available through major ad exchanges but no one buys it, since the networks insist that with every order, buyers toss in two tickets to “Hamilton” and dinner at Lalo, Massoni, Sugarfish, or Italienne.

The Super Bowl will skip the game altogether,  arguing that "it interferes with the ads." It will still sell out.

A smart device will overhear Shelly Palmer shooting his wife but won't call the police because Shelly will quickly yell, "Alexa! turn down the SVU Miami on TV!"

A wealthy Nigerian oil baron will die with no relatives to inherit his fortune. Associates will try desperately to have someone secretly move the money to the United States in exchange for $15 million.

General Electric will win a special award at Cannes for: "The Most Out-of-the-Box Ad Placements That Require No ROI Justification."

A voice-activated TV remote will refuse to switch over to any shows on ABC after 9 p.m., instead showing a placard saying, "I am so done with Shonda Rhimes."

The Digitas NewFront will try for the ninth year in a row to get brands to commit budget to online advertising even though it has no “season" to offer, nor a limited amount of inventory — which might help buyers wash the tears of laughter off their faces.

A score of companies will announce out-of-the-box cross-platform measurement solutions. All of them will have an asterisk that will break the industry's collective heart.

Facebook will vow to become "more transparent,” but will pull back after each reveal only points to another way it has been screwing over advertisers all along. Meanwhile, its ad revenues will increase by 40%.

Twitter will remain in business until one day even Not My President realizes that if the TV networks don't rebroadcast his tweets, he has no audience. He will call Jack Dorsey "a loser,” and the doors will close the next day.

60 million Americans who put him there will shift slowly from shouting "Build the wall!” to "Please, do no (more) harm.”