• by Richard Whitman , Columnist, April 1, 2018

The proposed merger of Publicis and Omnicom is back on again.

Yep, nearly four years after officially calling the original talks off, the two sides are close to a deal, once again.

According to sources so high they’re constantly in and out of rehab, the behind-the-scenes bickering between the two companies never stopped despite the formal cessation talks in 2014.

The companies said the new version of the combination would be a “merger of unequals.” According to Publicis chief Arthur Sadoun, the new approach will be “transformational.” Further explaining, Sadoun said, “that whole ‘merger of equals thing’ didn’t pan out so we’re taking a different approach this time.” But to make it work, he added, the combined company will not participate in the Cannes Lions Festival of Creativity. Ever Again.

Maurice Levy, the former CEO of Publicis, who is still involved with the company (exactly how is a bit mysterious, and strictly “need to know”) has been tasked with integrating the combined firm once the merger passes regulatory muster. (Globally about 3,000 regulatory bodies—most headed by small minded, impotent bureaucrats with chips on their shoulders--have to sign off on it).

“Integration is my passion,” said Levy. “No silo, no solo.” And he added, “no Bozo,” an apparent reference to John Wren, who he has always blamed for being an inflexible control freak responsible for cratering the original deal.  

“You had your chance John,” Levy added. “This time, I am holding all the cards. I mean Arthur, Yeah Arthur is holding all of the cards.”

Asked to respond, Wren said, “Very funny Whitman, Ha Ha. April Fool’s Day to you too. Now piss off you idiot, I have actual work to do.”

Wren said it best—Happy April Fool’s Day!