• by George Simpson , Featured Contributor, December 14, 2007

NBC is giving cash back to a sampling of its advertisers, owing to ratings shortfalls in the 2007-08 programming season. When TV networks miss agreed-upon ratings targets, they typically offer marketers additional advertising time, also known as a "make-good"--which means they give away more ad inventory, hoping that the additional exposure will keep the agencies from asking for greater audience accountability for ALL of their buys.

But what if everybody up and down the advertising chain refunded against services that they failed to deliver as expected? The client drops an e-mail on the agency president suggesting that if "a portion of the NBC spend isn't refunded in short order, a review might be in the offing." He calls in the account guy and tells him: "Sorry, Smythe--the client only moved a hundred additional units, the goal was 10,000; you owe the agency 40% of your past three paychecks." The AE storms into the head of creative and lies that the client "has cut the budgets by 45%, and that future spending will have to be curtailed so that the agency can refund previously spent funds to the client." The creative director cancels the three shoots slated for New Zealand, and tells Pixar and Gisele Bundchen that "the deals are off."

Next, he tells Smythe, the copy chief, that his efforts to move product have failed, and that he'll have to return a third of his pay for the last three months. Smythe naturally points to the art department, claiming that the images failed to engage the viewers. "No worries there, old boy--we've already tapped art for 35% of their paychecks while on the account," the creative director confirms.

Leif-Focker, the art director, steamed about giving back his income, makes the case that it was a poor media buy and that a smarter one would have drawn enough audience to drive sales. "Way ahead of you, Leif-Focker--already collected 30% from the media director, who in turn nailed the media supervisor and planner for 30% of their recent salaries."

This doesn't sit well with the lowly paid planners who largely survive on the largesse of media sellers who invite them to lavish parties, ballgames and high-end dinners, keeping the planners and buyers fed and occasionally clothed. Who better to take out their frustrations on, but the account executives from NBC? Since they can't recoup their lost salaries in cash, they start to delay expected buys, waiting for a step up from Rosa Mexicano to Daniel and from the Jets to the Giants. The NBC sales guys see their expense accounts going through the roof and complain that they need a larger budget to keep the revolting media peasants from moving their allegiances to the feudal lords down the dial. The head of sales for NBC lobbies to go over budget for the next quarter so he can increase T&E for his troops.

Naturally, since the agency has already sent a truckload of cash back to the client, the cupboard is bare. Over drinks, the frustrated sales guy complains to the head of scheduling, an old school chum he has known for 35 years. "Don't worry, I've got your back. When I see an insertion order from that agency, I will make sure they get the shitty part of the pod. No one will see their ads!"

The story you have just read is an attempt to blend fact and fiction in a manner that provokes thought, and on a good day, merriment. It would be ill-advised to take any of it literally. Take it, rather, with the same humor with which it is intended. Cut and paste or link to it at your own peril.