Although new users continue to grow in the infant demographic, a spokesperson for the company said that older users were dying off almost as fast as they were being replaced -- causing analysts to predict certain doom and devastation for the Web giant. "The bubble is finally popping," said a junior analyst from Forrester. "In all my 17 years on this earth, I've never seen anything like it."
Facebook management, however, is well aware of the market imperative for growth, and is taking drastic steps to get back on track. "We learned our lesson two years ago, in June of 2011, when the data indicated our user numbers were growing quickly, or slowly, or falling," said Mark Zuckerberg, speaking from Alpha Centauri, where he is currently exploring new markets for expansion. "The analysts said it was a clear sign of the beginning of the end, and I realized we could never afford that kind of uncertainty as long as I stood to make hundreds of billions on our IPO."
Back in 2011, Facebook responded quickly to analyst concerns, within months implementing universal opt-out Facebook registration at birth. Privacy groups raised a chorus of objections, but the Zuckerberg apologized once and they were quickly silenced.
Now, the company faces a new raft of customer acquisition challenges, but Zuckerberg still has a few tricks up his sleeve. "We've invested heavily in gene therapy and artificial organs," he stated. "Every year we add to average life expectancy is another 100 million users."
"Those tactics might hold the wolves at bay for a little while," said the Forrester analyst, via a Facebook status update. "But what are they doing about global warming? If humanity ceases to exist, there's no way they'll make their Q3 numbers."
But Zuckerberg had an answer for that one, too. Just this morning, wholly owned subsidiary Zynga announced that they have obtained a patent for a technology to convert seawater to virtual water. "This technology is a lifesaver for heavily populated coastal areas," said Zynga CEO Mark Pincus, from his cage in Zuckerberg's basement. "From now on, we'll be able to optimize sea levels by siphoning off excess water to irrigate crops on Farmville."
In other news, Microsoft has renamed Skype "Mirror," confessing that 97.3% of people making Skype video calls are actually just staring at themselves.