Remember when, 20 or so years ago, anyone walking around in public shouting into a cell phone was considered a nuisance (or an asshole)?
Well, soon early-ish adopters will be causing
similar levels of annoyance by going around town yelling into their wristwatches. Or perhaps they’ll just piss people off with their ostentatious show of wristal rhythmic
tapping?
Or not. At this point, writing disparagingly about the Apple watch is hardly new and hardly matters. As with most things Apple, there’s a certain inevitability about its
success, even if it takes a few years and several iterations to get there.
Of course, there’s always grumbling after a significant product announcement. (And even more grumbling if
it’s the same-old same-old.) Even monster success machines (or, especially business leviathans like Apple) need to keep moving into fresh waters, like sharks.
So why does this shift into
techno-jewelry put me in such a huff? Is it merely the showoffy wearable part that is so aggressively annoying and dorky?
Obviously, the culture already unleashed huge amounts of
Haterade on the wearers of Google Glass -- or as those unfortunate optho-technocrats came to be known, Glassholes. Google is apparently reworking that particular face-interface for relaunch.
And according to a recent profile in the New Yorker of Jonathan Ive, Apple’s storied designer felt superior from the start about slapping the computer on a wrist: “We always
thought that glasses were not a smart move, from a point of view that people would not really want to wear them. They were intrusive," he told writer Ian Parker.
Whereas, pointing to the
Apple device on his wrist, Ive said, “This isn’t obnoxious. This isn’t building a barrier between you and me.” And then he said he could tap and glance at his watch
“casually.”
Then the writer undercuts Ive's point by adding that he "still uses notifications in the form of a young woman appearing silently from nowhere to hold a sheet of paper
in his line of sight.” Snap.
Meanwhile, Apple CEO Tim Cook has done a really decent job of stepping into the extremely difficult role of running the Steve Jobs Dog and Pony Show.
Like founder Jobs before him, Cook has received swooning, reverent audience approval. For one, I love the idea of the new, ultra-thin, MacBook in gold. (To match the latest iPhones, popular for
their gold or silver options.) And an HBO Go/Apple TV deal -- a natural -- was introduced.
Apple actually released the news of a coming watch, with several different versions, six months ago,
so the launch wasn’t a surprise. Rather, the curveball during Apple’s “Spring Forward” event on Monday (and to me, a certain amount of shark-jumping) was the announcement of
the price of the top, or “Apple Watch” edition, encased in a unique kind of 18-karat gold that is, according to Apple, “twice as hard as regular gold.” It will start at
$10,000.
Depending on choice of bezels, links, bands, and other super-exclusive parts, Apple Watch edition prices go up to $17,000.
Think rich. Filthy-rich. Like the sports watches
embedded with gold and diamonds, there’s something anomalous about it that doesn’t seem on-brand to me. This is iBling for the oligarch sensibility. And weren’t the Apple people
supposed to be the pirates? The round pegs in the square holes, like Gandhi and Jim Henson? Yes, Steve is dead, but didn’t he always value radical simplicity in the service of sleek design?
Obviously, a lot of residents in Silicon Valley are “high-net-worth individuals,” but they’d never want to advertise it as such. So a certain amount of snark at moving into
one-percenter territory is inevitable. Actress Anna Kendrick, for example, tweeted: "We should be thanking Apple for launching the $10,000 ‘Apple Watch' as the new gold-standard in
douchebag detection."
Yup, a big gold watch, with all the connotations therein. Despite Apple’s move into fashion, with excellent hires from Burberry and other companies, doesn’t a
gold watch symbolize the oldest old-school idea of what you get from a smokestack company upon retirement, after a lifetime of loyal service?
Or it’s the kind of purchase that you
justify by handing down to generations -- not a digital watch, which is the ultimate in disposable technology (despite the gold that’s twice as hard as regular gold?). It reminds me of something
that a husband of a Real Housewife would buy on camera, before it came out in the press that his mate got dumped from the show and they had to file for bankruptcy and sell the Rolls-Royce.
I
understand that many people will want the entry-level device for tracking their exercise and health data. I can’t get all my daily steps recorded on my phone, because I’m not holding
it all the time. (Although a Fitbit is substantially cheaper.) I was also swayed the fact that I search for my phone about 100 times a day -- even sometimes while I’m on it -- and wearing
it would be easier. Except that you need to have your phone nearby, within a certain radius, for the watch to work.
Certainly, there are hands-full moments when it would undoubtedly help, such
as swiping to board a plane or pay for Starbucks. And really, the time it takes to pull out your iPhone to use it? That’s seven to 10 seconds you’ll never get back -- seven to 10
seconds that are for losers.
But even the cheapest entry point -- $349 -- is too expensive for most Millennials, who would have to be trained to wear a watch in the first place.
What’s more, the 18-hour battery is limiting. It’s another thing you have to remember to plug in at night. Plus, it’s not as if you can watch your watch, the way you can with an
iPad or iPhone.
It’s funny that Cook did have a charming moment of acknowledging the boys'-toy, two-way-radio aspect, noting that he’s wanted the Dick Tracy watch -- introduced in
the cartoon in 1946 as a top-secret invention to help nab bad guys like Mumbles and Pruneface -- since he was five. That’s a powerful cultural touchstone for those now on Social Security.
The Apple watch goes on sale April 24. It will no doubt sell out; there are enough Apple super-fans to do that. Still, the swagger that comes with it isn’t subtle or casual, or in keeping
with Apple’s core values. (Sorry.)
That said, I’m pretty sure I’ll be wearing some cheaper, better version a couple of years from now. And wonder what I ever did without
it.