Here, then, is the first annual MarTech Advent Calendar for 2015 (insert your own chocolates):
Dec. 1: Panicked office managers realize that most of the better venues for parties are already booked, so begin composing notes to CEOs about cost efficiencies of holding party in large conference room. They throw in the idea of DJ to make it sound less deadly.
Dec. 2: Advertising Week-meister Lord Matt Scheckner again asks admin to cost-out sending fruitcakes to all 55 sponsors, but opts instead for e-cards.
Dec. 3: Leaders of DSP cartel hold annual secret price-fixing meeting in Frostbite Falls, Minn. For festive post-dinner entertainment, CEOs dress in Valkyrian drag and stage hip-hop version of Lohengrin.
Dec. 4: Tom Deierlein begins annual quest to rally support for Army in pending Army-Navy game. Despite the vast quantity of humorous photos of soldiers around the world holding BEAT NAVY signs, the game ends in the usual ass-kicking by Navy.
Dec. 5: The world pauses to admire the fact that Adelaide Simpson has reached the age of 92 with her mind, sight, hearing (mostly) and sense of humor (kinda) still intact.
Dec. 6: Scores of ad-tech companies realize once and for all they will not make their numbers this year, and direct CFO to craft letter to VC directors to obscure facts and promote vision of bright futures.
Dec. 7: Grandparents express outrage at school systems when young children reveal they have never heard of Pearl Harbor.
Dec. 8: Terry Kawaja briefly mulls over humorous video send-up of storm gathering around Marissa Mayer, but decides not to risk invite to Sun Valley Conference being pulled.
Dec. 9: AdExchanger publishes landmark 1,000th opinion column on real-time bidding that no one understands.
Dec. 10: Google issues internal memo predicting results of EU privacy decision based on search terms used by commissioners.
Dec. 11: Facebook publishes results of study that says eating gluttonous amount of food in conjunction with ads running on Facebook will result in only 6% weight gain.
Dec. 12: Brad Berens and Tom Cunniff debate the underlying psychology of marketing and advertising in front of packed house of 1,000. Within 20 minutes, 950 people have left. Those remaining are dead of self-inflicted head wounds.
Dec. 13: Spouses try to have calm, rational discussion about if it is too late to get photo holiday cards in production. More than 65% opt for typed form letter. Other 35% descend into recriminations.
Dec. 14: Linda Boff is named to 112th list of power women. Fires PR head for Boff’s not making the 113th or 114th list.
Dec. 15: Stuart Elliott publishes his annual list of questions for a kid from Brooklyn. Since he no longer works for the New York Times, readership plummets to 27.
Dec. 16: New record 900th person is told NO, they cannot get a ticket to the MediaLink party at CES.
Dec. 17: People MediaLink executives haven't heard from for past 20 years suddenly call and/or email.
Dec. 18: Realizing that in fact their ad-tech programs do not lift conversion anywhere near the promised 8%, CMOs begin to pen byliners calling for new metrics of success such as hover time and atomic splits of a second.
Dec. 19: Thousands begin delicate task of composing emails apologizing to CEO for behavior at last night's party. Most egregious update resumes.
Dec. 20: Men start to think about Christmas shopping under pressure from spouses who finished Oct. 13.
Dec. 21: Same men start to delicately introduce importance of NCAA semifinal football games vs. long-standing block party to ring in New Year. "I am sure they will have a TV on" is not accepted as sufficient recompense. Lines are drawn.
Dec. 22: Last tech conference in America succumbs to pay-for-play model while declaring "Our speaker spots are not for sale!"
Dec. 23: CEO asks where everyone is, grumbling that the policy was noon, not no-show.
Dec. 24: John Durham issues annual holiday Durhamism. Thousands smile and agree.
If you use me for column fodder again, I will disown you....Mom