Commentary

No Ifs, Ands Or Bots

More than one in three Americans (37%) are willing to make a purchase through a chatbot, spending an average of $55.80 per purchase, according to a new report from Publicis Groupe’s DigitasLBi. ….   only one in five Americans (22%) have heard of chatbots.

From MediaPost news item

Bot: This is “Ken.” How can I help you today?

Consumer: I’m having a problem with my purchase.

Bot: I'm very sorry to hear that. How might I assist you today?

Consumer: Like I said, I'm having trouble with my purchase. It's not working.

Bot: Very sorry to hear that. May I ask what product is at issue?

Consumer: Yeah, the Handi-Douse Kitchen Fire Extinguisher. I tried to phone, but I'm just going in circles in the automated system. I can't get anyone on the phone.

Bot: Very sorry to hear that. Due to unusually heavy call volume for the holiday season, you may be in queue for an extended period. Estimated hold time: 1 day, 9 hours and 41 minutes. Would you like to discontinue this chat and contact us by phone?

Consumer: NO! I need to deal with this now. It's kind of an emergency.

Bot:  Very sorry to hear that. May I ask what is the nature of the emergency?

Consumer: I can't get it to work. I've read the instructions and have pulled the pin, but it won't discharge.

Bot: Please can you tell me what doesn't work? 

Consumer: This Handi-Douse Kitchen Fire Extinguisher.  

Bot: Thank you for that information. Are you interested in purchasing a Handi-Douse Kitchen Fire Extinguisher?

Consumer: No, I'm interested in operating it. I have a fire in my kitchen.

Bot: Excellent. For small kitchen fires, we recommend the Handi-Douse Kitchen Fire Extinguisher. It is small, lightweight and easy to operate.

Consumer: Maybe for you, Ken, but there are flames shooting out of my fried-chicken pan and into my range hood. My wife is screaming at me to do something and nothing is coming out of the nozzle.

Bot: For storage convenience, we recommend the Handi-Douse sliding cabinet rack accessory, offering instant access to your kitchen fire extinguisher when time is of the essence.

Consumer: The flames are swallowing the pantry!

Bot: Very sorry to hear that. Is there some way I might assist?

Consumer: TELL ME HOW TO USE THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER!!!!!!

Bot: Thank you for that information. Please give me a moment to check our records.

 

Bot: Thank you for waiting.  Have you removed the pin to free the trigger mechanism?

Consumer: YES, KEN, I TOLD YOU I DID. I PULLED THE PIN. SQUEEZED THE TRIGGER. NOTHING IS COMING OUT.  THE FLAMES HAVE ENGULFED THE BREAKFAST NOOK.

Bot: Thank you for that information. Please give me a moment to check our records.

 

Bot: Thank you for waiting. I have consulted our records. You are totally fucked.

2 comments about "No Ifs, Ands Or Bots".
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  1. Garrett Donaldson from JKR Advertising & Marketing, December 19, 2016 at 2:15 p.m.

    Sometimes it seems that we inhabit a world that is part Soviet, part Idiocracy and part Monty Python, with a hint of a Catch 22 finish.

    Thanks much for the grin!

  2. Paula Lynn from Who Else Unlimited, December 19, 2016 at 5:51 p.m.

    Yes, Garrett, and "you ain't seen nothin' yet" compared what you will be experiencing very soon.

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