From MediaPost news item
Bot: This is “Ken.” How can I help you today?
Consumer: I’m having a problem with my purchase.
Bot: I'm very sorry to hear that. How might I assist you today?
Consumer: Like I said, I'm having trouble with my purchase. It's not working.
Bot: Very sorry to hear that. May I ask what product is at issue?
Consumer: Yeah, the Handi-Douse Kitchen Fire Extinguisher. I tried to phone, but I'm just going in circles in the automated system. I can't get anyone on the phone.
Bot: Very sorry to hear that. Due to unusually heavy call volume for the holiday season, you may be in queue for an extended period. Estimated hold time: 1 day, 9 hours and 41 minutes. Would you like to discontinue this chat and contact us by phone?
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Consumer: NO! I need to deal with this now. It's kind of an emergency.
Bot: Very sorry to hear that. May I ask what is the nature of the emergency?
Consumer: I can't get it to work. I've read the instructions and have pulled the pin, but it won't discharge.
Bot: Please can you tell me what doesn't work?
Consumer: This Handi-Douse Kitchen Fire Extinguisher.
Bot: Thank you for that information. Are you interested in purchasing a Handi-Douse Kitchen Fire Extinguisher?
Consumer: No, I'm interested in operating it. I have a fire in my kitchen.
Bot: Excellent. For small kitchen fires, we recommend the Handi-Douse Kitchen Fire Extinguisher. It is small, lightweight and easy to operate.
Consumer: Maybe for you, Ken, but there are flames shooting out of my fried-chicken pan and into my range hood. My wife is screaming at me to do something and nothing is coming out of the nozzle.
Bot: For storage convenience, we recommend the Handi-Douse sliding cabinet rack accessory, offering instant access to your kitchen fire extinguisher when time is of the essence.
Consumer: The flames are swallowing the pantry!
Bot: Very sorry to hear that. Is there some way I might assist?
Consumer: TELL ME HOW TO USE THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER!!!!!!
Bot: Thank you for that information. Please give me a moment to check our records.
Bot: Thank you for waiting. Have you removed the pin to free the trigger mechanism?
Consumer: YES, KEN, I TOLD YOU I DID. I PULLED THE PIN. SQUEEZED THE TRIGGER. NOTHING IS COMING OUT. THE FLAMES HAVE ENGULFED THE BREAKFAST NOOK.
Bot: Thank you for that information. Please give me a moment to check our records.
Bot: Thank you for waiting. I have consulted our records. You are totally fucked.
Sometimes it seems that we inhabit a world that is part Soviet, part Idiocracy and part Monty Python, with a hint of a Catch 22 finish.
Thanks much for the grin!
Yes, Garrett, and "you ain't seen nothin' yet" compared what you will be experiencing very soon.