• by George Simpson , Featured Contributor, October 18, 2013

A scientific study out of Connecticut College says that Oreos can be as addictive to the brain as cocaine, because they trigger the same “pleasure center” neurons.  At least on lab rats. Said neuroscientist Joseph Schroeder: "Our research supports the theory that high-fat and high-sugar foods stimulate the brain in the same way that drugs do.... I haven't touched an Oreo since doing this experiment."

I could have saved Conn College the cost of scoring cocaine (and wasting it on rats) by confirming from personal experience that Oreos are indeed addicting. That is undoubtedly pretty good news to Mondelez International, who also makes the far more addicting Wheat Thins as well as Ritz, Cheese Nips, Toblerone and a couple of dozen equally not-great-for-you snack foods. But how can they capitalize on this magnificent news out of New London? 

Down deep inside, all brand managers wish their wares were truly addicting, so that the choice to buy or use the brand is functionally removed from the buyer. (Although it's hard to picture someone jonesing for toilet paper or floor wax.)  But Mondelez will end up playing mostly defense, since all the you-are-killing-us-with-unhealthy-food crowd will take this news to the bank. 

But I found a really inexpensive, extremely effective way to stave off Oreo addiction. I did it not in 12 steps, but in one:  I stopped buying them. This came as a rude shock to my kids, who used to raid my stash no matter which kitchen shelf I moved the double-stuffed delights to. But they soon got over it, moving on to other equally bad-for-you addictions that only kids can get away with, like barbequed potato chips and chocolate-chip-cookie dough.

Every once in a while, my wife (who I think was the biggest sneak-thief of the whole bunch) will get a bag, but they last only about 24 hours, often enough time so that I am not tempted by the remains. Fundamental Rule of Cookie Consumption #1: No one EVER eats the last one, calculating that if there wasn't something wrong with it, someone else would have eaten it by now. Sometimes she buys the mini Oreos -- figuring, I guess, that there are fewer calories in the smaller portions, but that only forces everyone to have a handful to make up for the lack of sugar and fat throw-weight you get in the full-sized version.

Since there are positively no ingredients in Oreos that your body needs, it all comes down to the tradeoff between the approximately 53 calories a cookie and your waistline. This assumes that you can control your addiction with a measured response to the “pleasure center” neurons and eat only a couple at a time (which doesn't mean a couple every seven minutes for nine hours a day). If you cannot, I advise you to review the inexpensive, extremely effective one-step program referenced above.

Pity the poor brand manager of Oreos. The right hand giveth the news of addictive qualities, while the left hand taketh away with Schroeder's words about "high-fat and high-sugar foods." Let's help out by coming up with some taglines that might be useful:

Oreos: You Know You Can't Help Yourself

Don't Shake That Monkey: He Likes Oreos As Much As You Do

Oreos: Eat As Many As You Want  (It is a medical condition, not a moral failing)

God, Grant Me The Strength to Eat Just One Oreo Today

Oreos: You KNOW You Want Them

Oreos: You Like Them -- So Did Edgar Allen Poe: “I have absolutely no pleasure in the stimulants in which I sometimes so madly indulge. It has not been in the pursuit of pleasure that I have periled life and reputation and reason. It has been the desperate attempt to escape from torturing memories, from a sense of insupportable loneliness and a dread of some strange impending doom.”